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About a month ago I started getting really bad headaches. My mom decided to take me to a doctor where they did a blood test. The doctor then said that my blood results said I was pregnant. I was completely blindsided and unprepared by the news. I was only dating the guy I got pregnant with for about a month. He was the first guy I ever slept with and I was naïve at the time and trusted him. My mom was furious and told me that I needed to get an abortion or I would not be allowed to come home. I told the guy I was seeing that I was pregnant, He then told me that “we were too young and had a lot ahead of us and a baby would change that”. The night before the abortion I began to get second thoughts. I asked the guy to meet me so we could talk about this in person and that I wanted to talk about adoption. He then told me that he was going to go out drinking with his friends and he would text me. He texted me “what kind of life would “it” have when we are so young, you need to get an abortion because anything else would be a mistake”. He also promised me that we would work through this, that he would not hate me and this would be something that made our relationship stronger. He never came to the clinic with me, he never offered to pay and he didn’t talk to my parents with me. The next day I went to the clinic with my mom. I started crying and afterwards and I felt this immediate sense of regret. I began to feel this emotional drunkenness and blindness. The next two days I cried hysterically I would text and call the guy begging him to come over because I couldn’t be alone. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me I was not a bad person. I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night because of a night terror and I wanted him there to tell me everything was okay . He never came over he would just text me “you are not a bad person” Two days later the guy I was seeing stopped talking to me. At first I thought maybe he was not okay. Maybe, I was being selfish and I needed to make sure he was alright. I became even worse crying in public and withdrawing from my friends. I never talked to anyone about my abortion until a mutual friend of my ex asked me what was wrong. I told him how I got an abortion and he was so kind and reassuring. I told my ex that I talked to our friend and he was furious he told me I was stupid and immature and to leave him out of my life. I became so upset that I had panic attack. I sent so many text begging him to forgive me and I sorry I am and I needed him to forgive me because I cant carry that guilt and the guilt of the abortion. He never texted me back. I have slipped into such a deep depression since then. I can’t sleep, I don’t eat, I have panic attacks and I have not been able to make it to class the last week. My friend became concerned about me and when I was asleep she read the texts from my phone. Without me knowing she sent a message to my ex saying how horrible he was for making go through this alone and making me feel like I cannot talk to anyone. I know she was doing it to protect me but that just made me feel worse. I don’t know what to do. I can’t move on until he forgives me. I don’t understand why he is being so horrible. Does anyone know of any way I can move on from feeling horrible about getting an abortion? Also, how can I get my ex to understand that by not talking to me he is making me feel worse? How can I get him to understand the pain I am going through and the amount of guilt I am carrying? How can I get forgiveness?

Age: 21
Location: Illinois, USA
Date: April 10, 2011