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• /abort73

My husband and I have 3 beautiful children. We found out I was pregnant at the end of January of this year. He freaked out, told me he didn't want the baby and would tell it every day that he hated it. He resented this baby. He was worried about us being able to survive financially with 4 children. He was worried about how it would affect us emotionally. He eventually calmed down enough to tell me all of this. I also had concerns about the baby. We have a 3 year old with autism. It hasn't been easy. I allowed my fear, and my husband's opinions to push me towards the decision of having an abortion. The day of my scheduled abortion, Feb 26th, I got there (by myself) and there were so many women there for abortions! I just sat there waiting, waiting, and waiting. Thinking about what I was doing, I started to silently cry in the waiting room, once the tears started to fall they wouldn't stop. My name was called and I had to go back for blood work and to take the only medicine (800mg ibuprofen) that I would be allowed since I had to drive home. The nurse did tell me that I did not have to go through with this if I didn't want to, that I could stop at any time up until I was on the operating table, but she told me that I was going to have to calm down or the doctor would not do the procedure. I went back out to the waiting room to finish waiting for my turn and I eventually just got up, and went to the receptionist and rescheduled the appointment. I wanted to think about it some more... I really didn't want to have an abortion. My husband was upset with me for not going through with it since he missed work so he could take care of our children while I had the abortion. My appointment was rescheduled for Thursday March, 3. I kept asking my husband.. "Are you sure this is what you want me to do?". I kept telling him that yes, it would be tough, but that we could do it! He was too worried about our finances and emotional well being with the difficulties we already go through with our autistic 3 year old. I started having anxiety and was severely depressed over what I "had" to do. I went to my appointment on March 3 and had the abortion. It was the worst experience of my life. So many women there getting abortions. It made me so sad for all the babies that were losing their lives that day. I begged my baby for forgiveness. I told my baby I was sorry, and that I did want him/her. I was fairly calm until I got into the operating room, I was not sedated because I had to drive myself home so I was only given the ibuprofen for pain. After i got undressed I sat there waiting for the doctor and nurse to come in and I finally started to cry. I did not want to go through with this but allowed my fear to take control and I stayed. Once the doctor came in to do the abortion and I laid down on the table I started crying uncontrollably, the nurse was cold and told me that I was making it worse on myself. The pain was unbearable!! Not just the physical pain but the emotional pain from knowing my baby was about to die, and that I did this!! I prayed to God, and I prayed for my baby. I kept telling the baby that I was sorry. I will never, ever ever!! forget the sound of it's body being sucked into the tube. I COULD HEAR IT GO INTO THE TUBE!! That sound will haunt me for the rest of my life. After it was over I was led to the "recovery" area where I sat with horrendous stomach cramps, and emotional pain like I have never felt before. My baby was gone.. just GONE! When i left the abortion clinic there was a man kneeling on the ground outside of the building with a bible on the grass in front of him. He was kneeling here praying.. and I wanted to beg him to pray for my baby. But I just drove away feeling numb from what I had just done.  When I went to sleep last night, my thoughts were of my baby. I tried to imagine where it's little lifeless body was all alone, probably stuck in a bin somewhere with all of the other dead fetuses from that day. Morbid I know, but that thought haunts me sill. I went to sleep crying and I have cried again today. I regret allowing my fear to take control. I regret having the abortion. My husband regrets it now too. When I told him what happened, when I told him of the sound of the baby being sucked out of me.. he broke down. We have both cried. We both regret. I can honestly say that I wish I didn't have the choice of abortion. I wish it wasn't even an option!! That would have saved my babies life. I wouldn't be sitting here grieving for the loss of my baby. My first thoughts this morning were... God, how I wish we could rewind, and that today is yesterday and I could make the decision to NOT have an abortion.

Age: 28
Location: Indiana
Date: March 4, 2011