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• /abort73

Regret is an interesting thing especially when it comes to a decision so big as whether to have an abortion.

Be careful the road you choose to take because if you continue down the same path you might become numb towards something you once were adament about.

I was 17 when I had my first abortion. I am a very matter of fact person, so I said, "well, my boyfriend and I can't provide for this child and if my parents found out I would be kicked out of the house with no where to go." I still had high school to finish, how could I do that without a place to live and while pregnant? So I decided the best decision for me at the time was to have an abortion. I was 5 and a half weeks pregnant. I had it under general anesthesia so I was asleep for the whole procedure. It was not painful physically, but emotionally, it made me question myself. Was I murderer? Was I selfish? I did not dwell upon those types of questions because I decided that I made the best decision possible for me given the time and the circumstances and I am at peace with that. However, I said I would never get another abortion.

Then there I was at age 19. I told this guy i trusted that i was abstaining and have been for a while. The guy told me that if I didn't consent to have sex with him, he would do it anyway. I tried fighting him off and realized that I couldn't so I finally said fine do it but use a condom. He deceived me. He poked a hole in the condom using a needle without my knowledge. Either way, he told me two days after he had sex with me what he did. I was very upset and hoped that I wasn't pregnant. He said he hoped that I was pregnant because I was very smart and pretty and he wanted me to be the mother of his child. I was horrified. Not only was I mad that he forced me to have sex with him, but how could he make that decision for me? Weeks later I found out that he successfully impregnated me. I was so mad. I went straight to a clinic and knew without a doubt that I wanted that baby out of me. (I was 6 wks pregnant). I had the surgery and felt content because I wasn't going to allow another person to dictate my life. I was not going to be someone's baby maker.

So there it is two abortions and I said never again....I once thought I would never have an abortion. And there it is, I had two. I was so disappointed and disgusted with myself but I rationalized it and said I did what I felt was best at the time. In addition, I had to stop beating myself up for having the abortions because though God forgives you, it is so much harder to forgive yourself.

Then years later when I was 25, I found myself in a situation where I began medical school and there was no way that I could have a child that would ruin it for me after I worked so hard to get in. My boyfriend felt that he would never allow anyone who is carrying his child to get an abortion but it is funny how when the situation occurs thoughts change from knowing what is the right thing to do (have the child) vs. doing what you feel is in your best interest (selfishness) though you might also think that you can't provide for the child so you rationalize it to think you are doing what is in the best interest of the child. If that were truly the case then how is it that teenagers are able to have children and make it work, how about single moms who have no family support.... there has to be a way if the will is there. Either way I had the medical abortion and it was so emotionally heart-wrenching especially since i said i would never have another abortion. I didn't have complications except that they had to give me another dose of the pill to remove all the "material" left in me. I bled so much. it caused a lot of blaming in the relationship and sad feelings.

However, I overcame those feelings and realized that I once again did what I felt was best. I have now truly tried to abstain from having sex because i don't want to be in this situation again. I don't judge anyone else's decision because you never know what a person is going through....My only advice to you is just make sure that if you decide to have an abortion that you will be able to forgive yourself because if you don't, you will most likely self-destruct. I pray that you are able to be stronger than me and that you seek out the information to find out if you can get help with raising the child and what is available to you. Some days I wish I never had an abortion, others i am glad I did.

Age: 29
Location: USA
Date: February 4, 2011