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I read 10 pages of stories before I had enough courage to click on the “submit your story” link. Four total people know; one of them is my husband (soon to be ex). I don’t talk about it. I don’t want people to know. If I suppress it, it can almost feel like it never happened, almost. Okay, here we go. I have been married for 7 years. I had an abortion on September 8, 2016—weeks before my first child would turn two. I didn’t realize I was pregnant at first. I had been on the pill and typically just skipped my period. I went to a bachelorette party. I was living life like it was normal. I was in my friend’s wedding the weekend before the abortion. When I tried on my dress it didn’t fit in the boobs anymore—that’s when I knew. I took a test, and yeah, there it was, positive. Now, I was married at this time. We barely had sex. He was cheating on me. He was in college. I already “had my college experience” so this was “his college experience,” even though he spent 5 years in the military. I made less than $30k per year, and he was a “full time student,” more like a full time drinker. When I told him I was pregnant all he said was, “We cannot have this baby. I won’t graduate from college. I’ll have to get a job; my dreams will be gone. You cannot have this baby.” I didn’t argue with him. He had already threatened to kill himself before. I couldn’t argue with him. I would be belittled and told everything was my fault. I felt like I had no control. I made the appointment. I put it on my credit card so my parents wouldn’t see it on their insurance. I had two separate appointments on that day. In the morning I went alone (big surprise because I literally did everything by myself). They explained what would happen; they did not require an ultrasound. They placed a seaweed stick in my cervix, and I went home for a few hours. The second appointment that afternoon he did come with me, but he barely said anything. Before the procedure and when my husband was not in the room the doctor asked, “Is anyone making you do this?” I almost said “yes,” but I wasn’t ready to deal with him, so I lied. My husband came in and the procedure started. I will never forget the sound of the machine or the feeling of everything being sucked out from inside my uterus. I didn’t cry, but I was numb. So very numb. On the drive home—I drove, we didn’t speak. I waited a few hours before going to pick up my child from daycare, and I just remember holding them and wanting to cry right then and there. I told no one for about a year, until I met a guy I worked with. I told him everything. It was so liberating and overwhelming to tell someone. Things didn’t go well in the end with him, but he never told anyone. About a year after the abortion, I got pregnant again. I was on the pill again. I had a feeling I was pregnant but was in denial. I hated my husband. I wanted to leave; having another child with him would be awful. The only thing worse than having two children with him would be to have another abortion. Once I took the test, I didn’t tell him. I waited until I was 9 weeks along to go to the doctor. I got an ultrasound, and came home and my older child gave him the picture of it. I told him, “I’m pregnant, it has a heartbeat, and I’m keeping it.” He didn’t argue, but he wasn’t happy about it. I now have a 5-year-old and 2-year-old. My husband made comments about wanting a boy and how he wants a third child. It’s like the abortion never even happened for him. My last pregnancy was rough physically and emotionally. He had no sympathy or empathy about being pregnant after an abortion. I should have been done with him the day I found out he cheated on me. But I was actually done the day he told me I had to get an abortion. It’s taken almost four years to get the courage to stand up to him and tell him I’m leaving. Thank you for listening; I feel such a relief sharing this. I hope I can help one person. Whether you feel abortion is right or wrong, know that there is a huge emotional and mental response to it. I don’t know if it would be easier or harder if it was my decision. I do know I think about what if’s a lot.

Age: 29
Date: July 23, 2020