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I killed half of me and half of him with one pill. I will never forgive myself...

Abortion Story: Birmingham, England

Submitted to Abort73 by a 19-year-old woman on June 30, 2019.


I was 19 when I got pregnant with the love of my life's baby. I had changed my pill, but we didn't wait the recommended 7 days. I anticipated my pregnancy a month before I took the test as I was told to wait until I missed a period. My boyfriend and I talked about everything—including abortion—and we decided we would keep the baby. There was enough room in his house for us and the baby, and he has a very stable job. So why not keep our baby? Because when I took the test and I saw the two lines I burst into tears. My boyfriend just held me. I realised my whole life was about to change. I couldn't finish my university degree; I couldn't get the job I wanted. As soon as my child was in nursery, I would have nothing to do with my days. I was being selfish. I looked up and asked, ‘Is this really what you want?’ His reply was, ‘I don't know; we are young, babe, it's going to be a big change.' So we waited a couple of days before we changed our mind. Financially and practically we were ready, but emotionally we weren’t. All a baby needs is love, but what if I couldn't give my baby that? What if I blamed him or her for not having the life I dreamt of? What if the baby ruined my life? My boyfriend and his dad constantly fight and argue. I didn't want this; I wanted to be happy and my baby to have two loving parents. So I did it; I killed our baby. I wasn't alone, but I had no friend's to talk to about it. I was ashamed of what I had done. I thought everyone would hate me. It ate me up until I was only left with one friend who is still the only other person that knows of my pregnancy. She didn't judge me. She told me that everything was going to be ok and that no matter what, she would never leave. And she never will. But my boyfriend did. He loved me, but we began to argue all the time. We blamed each other because there was no one else. I will never get to be the mom of his children again and that kills me. I killed half of me and half of him with one pill. I will never forgive myself. I looked down at my stomach for weeks—wishing it would grow, wishing my abortion failed, wishing for one last moment with my baby. It never happened. I spiraled out of control. How could I love a baby that I never had? How could I love a baby that I killed? But I did and that ended up killing who I was.

Age: 19
Location: Birmingham, England
Date: June 30, 2019

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