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• /abort73

I had my first abortion today. I'm barely recovering from it in my bed. It was a traumatic experience that I will never forget. I have two kids already with my ex-fiancé. I was with him for 10 years. The last couple years weren’t good, but I wanted a baby with him for some reason, but it never happened. I thought it was me. I couldn't get pregnant anymore. I had problems after having my son—abnormal cells—and had to get a minor surgery. The doctor said after follow ups that I should be fine with fertility and all that, but anyway, my ex and I broke up this past April. I moved back home to Illinois from Texas to be with my family.

I was happy to be back, and I started dating again. I was ready. I met a guy, very cute, well mannered, and mature. We saw each other more than once and had sex. So, September rolls around and my period never came. I was like, “Whoa, no way.” I took a pregnancy test and it said, yes+, meaning, “Yes, you're pregnant.” I was so shocked and scared. I told the guy I was seeing a week later. He first said, “Wow, ok, what do you want to do?” I told him we're not officially together together, and I just came back to start over. A baby right now? I don’t know if I can do it. He was sad, he wanted to keep it but eventually he thought the same thing—it's not the right time. So, I went to the clinic. They did blood work and talked to me about the pill. The last thing was the ultrasound. It will always be in my mind, the image of my baby. I would have thought after seeing it that I would have run out, but I didn’t.

The doctor came in, examined me, and gave me the first pill. I didn't really feel anything, just very tired, but I could tell it stopped the pregnancy because I wasn't sick anymore. The pregnancy was really hard for me. I had no energy and was very nauseous. It took a lot out of me. So, a couple days later, I had to take the rest of the pills. I did and I could immediately feel it. I puked and had to use the restroom and I started to bleed. The cramping came and it came hard. It was very painful; I don't know how I did it. I felt so hopeless and so scared, and I regretted doing it. I was lying in bed in pain. Then all of sudden my cramps stopped and I felt something like two clicks in my vagina (I know weird), and I went to the restroom and I passed the baby and a huge blood clot.

I sat there for awhile and couldn't believe I had done this. I just wiped my tears and flushed it. Afterwards, I had clots and light cramps. I feel OK, but I will always remember today and what I saw in my restroom and the ultrasound. I feel relief, but then regret. Every woman is different in coping with abortion, but for me, I will always have some type of guilt. If I knew how traumatic the experience was going to be I wouldn't have done it.

Age: 30
Location: Chicago, IL
Date: October 23, 2017