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• /abort73

Two months ago, I did something which I regret. Did I think twice? Yes, more than that.

Around end of July, I got really sick. I couldn't get out of bed. I thought I was just really dehydrated, as I am working on site most of the time. I’d been throwing up non stop. I told my boyfriend, and he told me to go to the hospital. I did. On my first trip to the hospital, I didn’t find anything out. I was just feeling really sick and the doctor said it might be a stomach flu, so after two crazy trips to the hospital, and being on bed rest, I still didn’t feel any better. I then went to the emergency room. They took my urine for exam and did all the exams. After more than an hour, the nurse called me in. “Do you know you are pregnant?" I just kept quiet; I was stunned. I texted my boyfriend who was outside waiting for me. He was speechless.

I got hospitalized that night for five days. I was really sick, and the ultrasound showed no sign of the baby’s heartbeat. I was already one month pregnant. I was really sick; I couldn't eat or drink at all. The doctor told me that they couldn't find the baby’s heartbeat at all, but I was stubborn. I asked my boyfriend what we should do. He said to abort it. My heart broke, and a lot of questions came into my mind. After a lot of thinking, considering our relationship wasn't stable and he was abusive, I decided to have an abortion.

Abortion aint cheap; it cost us $2,000. The abortion was painful. I couldn't stop crying, not from the pain but from the guilt. I cried the entire morning. I hate myself so much. I didn't have the chance to tell anyone because he wouldn't let me. Since that day, I have cried every night. I got really sad when I see baby clothes in store because that could be shopping for my baby. I get sad when I see pregnant woman because that could be me.

Trying to put up with the mental pain after abortion is not easy. I cry a lot, I think about the baby a lot, I dream about it—how he/she would grow up and live a beautiful life. I had to say goodbye before I had the chance to say hello. I don't know if I would be a great mother, but I know my boyfriend wouldn't be a great dad. After the abortion, I took care of myself. I watch what I eat. I still do all the hardcore work every day. I bleed. I was in pain and one day and he said to me, "I don't think the baby was mine, but I gave you some money for the surgery.”

My heart broke into a million pieces. I paid 3/4 of the surgery. The day when he said the baby wasn’t his was the day I knew my baby is in a better place. I know my baby doesn't deserve him as a father.

I miss having my baby inside me. I thought I would be okay. I was never okay after the abortion. I hate myself. I am depressed; I cry whenever I think about it. Abortion wasn't the right choice but I still did it, and I HATE MYSELF for doing it. Never in a million years will I ever forgive myself.

To all the ladies out there, some men are irresponsible, but please talk to your family. No ladies deserve to be with an irresponsible man.

Age: 25
Location: Borneo
Date: October 3, 2017