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• /abort73

Abortion was never something I agreed with, unless you were raped or had severe health problems, so I was shocked when I brought that option up to my ex. He jumped right on board and told me it was the best answer because we couldn't afford another child. I'm already a single mom to two, plus he had a child as well. I bawled my eyes out the night we discussed it and told him I didn't know if I could go through with it. I put off making the appointment as long as possible. My ex and I were having issues from him cheating on me, and I felt he still was. I didn't think I could raise and afford another child.

When we got to the clinic, it felt so surreal. Was I really gonna be able to do it? What if God didn't forgive me? Plus, I had already fallen in love with this baby. During the procedure, which I found painful, I kept screaming, "I'm sorry!" It didn't help that I saw a picture of the ultrasound on top of my file. It broke my heart to see that little body in that picture—knowing that I was his or her mother. My instinct as a mother is to protect, and I was doing the opposite.

I have regretted that day ever since. I felt like I have been grieving but society makes you feel like you don't have the right to grieve and be sad because it was your choice but damn it, I need to grieve. I picked a name for the baby and pray all the time and ask God to take care of my baby. I found out two weeks after the procedure that my ex was cheating again so we broke up, which made everything worse. I picture how my baby would look laying his or her head on my chest while I rock it to sleep. I still can't go in the baby section in stores. It's a decision that will haunt me for life.

Age: 31
Location: Charlotte, NC
Date: October 26, 2015