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My story is very raw. It’s what I went through and what I’m still dealing with. A month after my daughter turned one, I found out I was pregnant again. I had similar signs but unlike my first pregnancy, where I was hospitalized until my 5th month and couldn't hold anything down, this time I craved a lot. I craved so much food and threw up when I wasn't eating. I had so many thoughts going through My head. My first pregnancy was terrible. My weight dropped down to 107 pounds from 135, so I was terrified of that happening again. The labor was just as bad. I lost so much blood and went into shock after delivering my daughter. I was afraid of labor. And when I found out I was pregnant again, I felt so confused. We were barely making it now. Some months we wouldn't even have a dollar left. How will we do it with another baby and my daughter who just turned one? So we talked and decided to have an abortion. I just kept telling myself I couldn't do it. I wouldn't survive another pregnancy or delivery.

We called and scheduled an appointment for the following Tuesday, May 5th 2015. It was barely Thursday. All weekend I kept questioning myself, crying, looking at my daughter and husband. He was part of the reason I did it too. He wasn't ready. He wasn't even ready for our first. The morning of, my heart hung heavy. I'm not going to tell you what's right or wrong because everyone has their own opinions for that. For me, I never believed in it. I told myself I would never do that, but here I was heading to the clinic. It's crazy how things change once you're going through it. The drive was 30 minutes away, and I wanted to yell. Scream. Thrash around for us to go back home. But I held my tongue. Once I was signing the paper work, I kept thinking, “This is it, I'm giving someone permission to kill my child.” God turned his back on me. Once I was on the bed, my emotions took over. As much as my husband tried to comfort me, I wanted nothing but to push him away. His touch disgusted me. I felt myself blame him for it all. The procedure took less then five minutes since I was only seven weeks along. After the doctor said, “All done,” my world shattered. I felt my heart crack, and I cried so hard no tears came out. I think the whole building heard my cries.

Later that day, I got a phone call from my mom that my grandpa had just passed. No one knows what I did. Now, five months later, I still feel remorse. Regret. Anger. Heartache. But so much anger! Why did I do that? Abortion isn't an easy decision. To this day, no one knows about it. I always wonder what he or she looked like. On my bad days, I want to scream out, "I'm sorry!" Please forgive me. I'm so sorry, baby. My soul aches to feel baby toes. My eyes cry as I right this. So for anyone thinking of doing this, please think it through!! I felt like I had to do this because I wouldn't make it this time, and I couldn't leave my daughter or husband. I couldn't put myself through months of sickness. But now I wish I made a different decision. My soul cries every night for my unborn child.

Age: 23
Location: California
Date: October 13, 2015