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I’m sitting in Planned Parenthood on the table right after I felt the warmth, comfort and love of my baby’s life trickle from my body and completely leave me. I felt my baby leave my body just as I had felt it come into to my body. I felt so indescribably alone. The doctor just ducked out of the room and left me sitting there. I’m clutching myself in deep spiritual and emotional pain, rocking back and forth with my head raised to the ceiling chanting to myself, “Oh, God, what have I done? My Lord, my God what have I just done?” I felt myself dying inside and instantly knew why. I knew my choice was categorically wrong and I was the loser. At that moment I was terror stricken, filled with the deepest regret possible and experiencing the reality of abortion. I had just betrayed the love of my Lord, my spirit and denied my baby life. I had really truly just killed my baby. All I wanted and wished for was to undo what I had just done. To take it all back and have a do over. Impossible! This was my choice. And, now I have to live with it. I was so terrified, ashamed and angry. I felt there was no hope for me. No help for me.

The very core of my being was shaking with pure terror. I was panicked. Suddenly, there became no easy or quick fix to change the circumstances of my life. They had changed forever and were undeniably permanent and undeniably wrong. There was nothing to comfort me or change this now. I was infuriated with myself and couldn’t fathom my ignorance and my denial of what an abortion actually was—taking my baby and God’s precious gift of life. No one warned me of spiritual consequence, and I was so angry at Planned Parenthood and the right to abortion. But, I truly should have known and kept my faith.

I was bleeding so heavily for days. It was like I was hemorrhaging. Bits and pieces of my baby’s body were coming out in my underwear. I had chunks of my baby’s remains in the toilet paper when I used the bathroom. Then during one shower my baby’s arm came out and fell on the concrete floor of the shower. I became frozen with fear and the grim reality that my baby was dead. I couldn’t bear picking it up. It was the tiniest little arm and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even fathom picking it up to throw it away, but I just couldn’t leave it there. This was one of the worst moments of my life. I felt so weak inside and repulsed at what I had done. I had taken my baby’s life—a human life. I just killed my baby. I was in terror. I stood in the shower for what seemed like hours contemplating what to do. Not being able to pick up my baby’s arm I finally removed the cover to the drain and used it to push my baby’s arm down the drain. I was so traumatized by what I had done. I was sickened by my choice and it’s harsh reality. I was sickened by what I was capable of. Most of all I was sickened that my baby was dead and that it was final. There was no escaping what I had done.

By doing this, I denied my faith and my God. I really truly should have known what I was doing. I felt I didn’t know. I felt so dumb and stupid—just so very stupid. I didn’t know how precious God’s gift of life was and took it for granted, but I found out how precious life is and how much we need to protect and respect life.

To have your entire being shaking at the core is pure terror. A horror that I pray no other woman has to endure. My spirit withdrew with my baby’s. I was in shock—shaking with chills and numb once my baby’s life dispersed from my body. The horror and terror I was feeling was completely inconceivable. I felt utterly deceived and lied to by Planned Parenthood for not informing me of the spiritual consequence of abortion.

Go to God for he is life and love. Swallow your shame and put aside your circumstance and just go. Don’t be afraid. Don’t choose. You don’t really understand what you’re choosing. You can’t possibly know. You can’t imagine the deep spiritual pain of abortion. God is love, and he loves you more than you can imagine. Life is a blessing. Keep your faith and soul.

I wrote this letter to my baby at a 2001 Rachel’s Vineyard retreat for post-abortive healing:

Dear Shauna Onara,

Oh, little one. Oh, Child of mine. I miss you so greatly and hope you will forgive me for the mistake I have made. I am sorry for not giving you a chance in life and destroying you, my precious beautiful child. You are loved by me, and my heart is painfully broken. I did not have the courage and strength to keep you as mine. I am sorry I did not protect you and blocked you from my mind. But my heart has longed to be with you and there is emptiness only you can fill. I long to love, nurture and care for you—and on this earth I never will. I am sorry, so sorry for having taken you, my precious little one. Please do not condemn me for I know not what I had done. The right to choose turned out to be the right to lose you, my special innocent one. I did not have the right to take your blessed gift of life. This wrong I have committed has filled my heart with deep pain and sadness. My mind has filled with madness from the unjustness of what I had done. I hope you will forgive me. I love you with all my heart. Please believe this is true; I’ve been sad that we’re apart.

Love, Mom

It's been over 20 years since I had my abortion, and I will never get over the loss of my child…

Age: 48
Location: White Plains, NY
Date: October 12, 2015