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I wrote on here a year ago, telling about my abortion experience in 2013. I’d like to share about my life and what I'm going through now—two years later, just in case anyone is in two minds of what to do. Please understand that in no way am I telling anyone what is right and wrong. I feel it is your own choice, but please, if you are in two minds, wait until you know what you want to do.

I'll just give you a quick run down of what happened first. I was very young when I had my abortion. I had just started dating someone and had a strict family. A lot was expected from me. I lost my best friend in 2011, suffered chronic depression and anxiety, self harmed, had an eating disorder, and was bulimic. My life was not going very well. I got pregnant in early June 2013. I had no morning sickness but felt a little off. I just thought it was my period though. I used to get it the 18th of every month at around 10am, without skipping a beat. I knew when it'd be here exactly. I found out I was pregnant on the 18th of July because I knew it was not normal to not have my period.

I told my friend. After school, we took a test and straight away two strong lines came up. All I could do was cry. My family is going to hate me. I've only just started dating him. I'm only working part time. My partner is only an apprentice. What am I going to do!? The next day was a Friday, and I told my boyfriend. He was supportive and said whatever I chose to do, he’d stick by me. Stupidly enough I told no one in my family except my dad, who I hadn’t been talking to for a few years. I thought he'd help me. All he did was call me a slut and book an abortion.

On the day of the abortion I cried the whole way there and the whole way back. I felt sick, I didn't want to do it, it was my baby, I'm carrying our baby, I loved it already. At the clinic, my "dad" made them tell me I was six weeks since I'd said if I were more, I wouldn't do it. He also told them to hold me down on the bed and made sure I went through with it even if I struggled. I went to the ultrasound and could hear the little heartbeat thumping and cried harder for MY baby. The nurse looked at my dad and then said, “six weeks.” She explained a couple things and put us into a waiting room. My name got called and I cried. I got changed, still crying. I didn't want to do this; I told the nurse and she just told me to get changed and she'd sort it with the doctor.

I got changed and then went into a room with three doctors. They laid me on the bed, and I started kicking and screaming to keep my baby—tears were just streaming down my face. They quickly put the anasthetic in and the fight I was trying to fight was becoming impossible now. I woke up to the nurse crying beside me. She quickly explained what my dad had done and just apologized over and over again. My baby was gone, and there was nothing I could do now. SHE was MY baby. The nurse told me she was a little girl. My partner came in and we just cried and cried.

So, my life two years later?

I was told it gets easier, but it doesn’t. I look at friends’ babies and it's what my Ruby should have been—the age, the height, the learning. It's what Ruby should have been. She'd be 16 months now. I had a bump and all. I'd do anything to take back time and have my baby back. I'd do anything I could, give anything for my baby. I just love her so so much. I often talk to her and just cry, but it won't bring her back. When I have another child, there is still going to be pain. This pain DOES NOT go away; please understand that.

When your child dies, half of you dies with it. It's like staring into space and getting frustrated because nothing is happening. The pain is agonizing; there is no other way of saying it. You lose half of yourself, half of you that you will never get back. Today I am still with my partner. We’re engaged and will soon be planning a baby, but please, anyone considering an abortion, please. please, please think about your future. The pain is unbearable; you are a mother or father already and you WILL work it out. Trust me, it will work out perfectly. Please consider your options and think long and hard if it's what you want because my heart still hurts today.

Age: 17
Location: Australia
Date: September 24, 2015