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• /abort73

This month, September 2015, is the 3rd year my baby has been gone. Though I have two kids, it keeps creeping inside of me that there is this part of my life that I can never change. I will always feel remorse, regret, and guilt. Too many of these feelings have been bottled up since that day. I can’t talk about it to my mum because she never knew about it. I can’t talk about it to my friends because they do not understand me. I can’t even tell my soulmate now that I miss the baby whom I had put to sleep forever. He will think I miss the father. No, I do not miss him even a single bit. I miss the child that this stupid and selfish person (me) got rid of. I wish I could turn back time and save the baby. I would do anything to carry him/her in my arms, apologize to him/her, hug him/her so tight, kiss him/her and carry him/her in my wraps—just like I wrap my other babies. I robbed the chance for the baby to be in this world—to see the sun, the moon, the stars, and everything else. I will never see this baby flip, crawl, walk, babble, laugh, and grow up into a beautiful person. I am the villain. I am mean. I was with an abusive boyfriend; he would beat me up when he was angry—even in public. I wanted the baby so much, but maybe we are not fated to be in this world together. I thought he would keep his promises; I thought he would not get angry and beat me up again. But I was wrong. I was beaten up again because he said he wanted to find someone else who could treat him better. He thought it was a funny joke to irritate me. I shouted at him to shut his mouth up. He then punched me in the face in a train station's elevator—leaving me without my purse and mobile phone. He ran away with my first kid. I wailed frantically like a mad woman, searching for my first kid everywhere. He actually ran to my mum's and told her I was rude and kept cursing him—which of course was a lie to cover up his mistake. He did not mention his part in the story. That incident made me determined to arrange for the abortion because I did not think I could live having a psycho haunting and beating the hell out of me in the future. Even if we broke up, the baby would be his reason to search for us and taunt us. I did not want that to happen, and I cannot tolerate anymore beatings from him. On the day of the abortion, something was telling me that maybe I should think it over. But then the father made the matter worse. I was playing with his iPod while waiting for the doctor and found some disturbing photos from the night before. How could I live with this man for the rest of my life? I decided I had to do it. They put me to sleep, and I don’t remember anything else. The nurse shook me so hard to wake me, and she told me it was over. I cried so loud. I didn’t believe what I had done to my very own baby. I was someone who was anti-abortion and then, I was the one doing it! I felt so angry and disappointed with myself. Why did I have to do it? Why? Why was I the meanest mother in the whole entire world? I should be the one who is supposed to die, not that sweet child! I hate myself—so much! How do I live with this lifetime guilt? How? Right after it happened, I wished I could change my decision. I wanted my baby back; I didn’t really want him/her to leave me. I wish I could say sorry to my baby. So many wishes but a very huge mistake had been done and none of the wishes can ever be granted. I kept telling myself I needed the baby back. I cried and cried the whole entire week, and I couldn’t accept that the baby was then gone—gone forever and will never come back to me. I had a horrible nightmare, and the dream was about me trying to keep the pregnancy from my mum. I kept the foetus (apparently in the dream the foetus was outside of me and was still alive) but the baby literally ran away from me and got eaten by a dog! It was horrible! It will always be the darkest part of my life that I can never forget. I hope the baby forgives me, and I hope he/she understands why I did it. I am so sorry, Shafina. I will pay back for what I have done to you. Mama will always love you just like I love your other siblings. I hope we will meet each other in Heaven one day. Love, Mama xx

Age: 23
Location: Singapore
Date: September 23, 2015