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When I was 25 years old, living in New Jersey and newly married, I got pregnant. I was staunchly pro-abortion, and felt it was an inconvenient time for me to be pregnant. I had a job I loved, had just gotten a new horse I was planning on showing, and a baby would have interfered with the plans I was making.

I worked on a horse farm, hard physical work, so I told my boss that I had to have an ectopic pregnancy terminated. That would be the excuse I needed to keep her and everyone else from knowing about my “choice” to kill my baby while I was out of work for two weeks recuperating. It was also another way of justifying to myself that what I was doing was “right & necessary”. That cover-up was the beginning of the shame that I didn’t know I was feeling for 17 years.

The thing that bothers me most about carrying out my decision, other than killing my baby, was that the entire time I knew that what I was doing was wrong and selfish. But how could someone who was pro-"choice" think that an abortion was the wrong thing to do? I pushed those feelings of doubt aside with all the pride I could find.

I was not awake during my abortion. I can remember very well the face of the doctor before I went out. I will never forget what he looked like. Afterward, I remember still feeling that what I had done was wrong. My first husband had driven me, and the ride home was pretty quiet. In fact, we never spoke of it again. I knew he had wanted to have this baby, but I didn’t care what he wanted; it was my body, so that made it my decision. As time went on after the abortion, I was afraid to get pregnant again, so I went on birth control and made up many excuses why I didn’t ever want children. At the time, I didn’t know I felt that way because feelings of guilt and shame over killing my baby caused me to think that I wouldn’t be a good mother. My marriage didn’t last for long after that. After my recovery, I tried to find my first husband to tell him how sorry I was for stealing his fatherhood.

I became a born-again believer in Jesus Christ in 1999 and married a wonderful man. In realizing how God felt about all human life, I became outwardly pro-life as soon as I was saved. I had shared my abortion with my husband before we were married, but he was one of only two people who knew by me telling them. He was very supportive of me, and I asked God for deliverance from the shame and guilt. Throughout our marriage, I kept watching his son grow up, and I kept thinking about how my son would be the exact same age as my step-son. The Lord does work in mysterious ways.

God kept gently bringing my abortion to the front of my mind. I went on the internet to research abortion recovery help and found the Silent No More Awareness website first and registered with them. Then in 2007, I became aware that I needed to share my abortion with others. I was so fearful, but the first person I was compelled to tell was a friend who cried with me as I told her, and told me how sorry she was for my loss. Another friend reminded me that her babies and mine are waiting with the Lord for us in heaven.

Then in the fall of 2008, I was invited to participate in the March for Life in Washington D.C. and to publicly share my abortion testimony. Being supported by all those others who suffered as I had, and speaking in front of the US Supreme Court building was the final step to my complete deliverance from the pain of the abortion.

Being obedient to God’s desire for me to share the truth with others, freed me from the bondage I had been under for all that time. Truly accepting and acknowledging His forgiveness enabled me to finally forgive myself, freeing me from the hidden lie I’d been trying to live all those years.

If society says “abortion is okay ”, than why did so many of us, the mothers and fathers of lost parenthood, feel such shame, and keep it hidden in our lives for so long?  Abortion is NOT okay, and I want to make sure people know what a destructive impact it has on EVERYONE involved in it.

Age: 47
Location: Wimberley, TX
Date: November 1, 2012