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• /abort73

As I sit here and try not to choke up, I still find it hard to believe that I ended the life of my first child. The day my baby's heart took its last beat was on April 3rd at 2:33 pm. My baby was 7 weeks & 3 days old when it last lived in me. I remember that day like it was just yesterday, and I will remember it for the rest of my life. I remember the day I saw the bright blue plus sign staring into my fearful eyes. I was 2 weeks late, but didn't really freak out thinking it was just my period acting up again. Sure enough, a couple days later I start noticing the symptoms and I lost it. I was indeed 4 weeks pregnant with my first child.

Telling the father was not something I planned on doing. We had just gotten back together after I forgave him for getting a girl pregnant (who's baby is due this May) while we had broken up. He told me he did not love her and that she was just simply going to be the mother of his little girl. He told me he loved me and only me and that he hated the mom. I envied her and it hurt me because he knew and I knew that I loved him and that I wanted to have his first child in the future when we were both stable and financially ready. Regardless of the pain I felt, I agreed to be there for his little girl and treat her as if she was my own.

Telling him was not easy. I simply could not find a way to tell him he had knocked me up before his other child was born. I could just picture the pale color his face would turn if he heard those 2 words come out of my mouth. As we met up and I had tears in my eyes he knew. I did not even have to say the words and he knew. My hands were trembling, I was frozen with fear and I could not even mumble a word. The following 3 weeks were the worst weeks of my life. They changed the way I looked at him. He suggested abortion even though he knew I was against it. I knew he was against it too because his sister had an abortion and when he found out it hurt him a lot. So the fact that he tried and tried to drill that idea into my head hurt me a lot. He would text me telling me that I was not going to have this child. He would say hurtful things like that I was just trying to trap him down, that if I had his child he would make my life a living hell for the next 18 years, that I was f---ing retarded if I thought having this kid was going to be okay. All I could do was cry every night. The one person I thought was going to be there for me was the one going against me. I was so scared and I felt so alone. Eventually he calmed down and gently convinced me of it. He cried over the phone and told me that we couldn't have it now. That it was just bad timing. Eventually I gave in to the pressure and booked the date. My friend had to take me due to the fact that he couldn't come down since he lived 2 hours away and would have no place to stay at night because I knew my parents would not let him stay and my parents did not even know I was pregnant.

After the surgery, I went to a friends house and stayed the night. She let me stay in her guest room and just sleep. She made me some warm soup and tea even though I did not ask her too. All that just hurt me more knowing that the person who should have been doing that was him. I felt so alone and all I could do was cry and say sorry my little one. I'm soo sorry. I saw him for the first time that weekend and it was hard. I didn't know what to say. The only words that came out of my mouth were, "It was so scary.." and I continued to cry and he held me and said, 'I'll never make you do anything like that again, I'm soo sorry." I hated that the one person who wasn't there for me was the only person who's hugs actually made me feel better. When I saw him, I felt as if all the love I had for him was starting to die. I started questioning everything. To this day I still don't know weather to try with him or not. He said he's sorry but we still haven't really talked about it. It just hurts that he'd pressure me (the girl he "loves") to have an abortion and not the other girl. I'm not saying I would want her to get one but it just hurts. His actions made me feel as if she's' the one he truly loved. It hurts that before I knew I was pregnant, he would talk about maybe going to court to fight for his little girl if the mom decided she didn't want him in the picture. It just makes me wish he would have fought over our child like that. I just don't know why he acted the way he did. I'm so hurt and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him. I love him but what he did was so cruel. He left me alone and pressured me when I was at my weakest. He left me alone when instead he should have been there no mater what decision I chose. He apologized but I'm just so hurt I don't know if I could ever look at him the same way. I love him and I want to be with him but a part of me says no. I feel like if he couldn't be there for our own child, what makes him think I'd want to be there for his?? I know that's cold, but I'm just so hurt. It hurts to think that instead of holding my own child, I will be holding his child that he had with another woman. I know it is not the child's fault, but I just feel like it'd hurt me so much. I am so lost and confused. All I can think about is my baby. All I have is an ultrasound picture and the sound of her heartbeat playing and playing in my head. I cry almost every night, knowing that I could have been a mother but instead of holding my baby I have empty arms and an empty uterus. I have so much regret. I know my baby and God have forgiven me, but I cannot forgive myself. I just want my baby back inside me wiggling it's little arms and feet around. I just want my baby back.

Age: 18
Location: La Habra, California
Date: May 1, 2012