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I was 14 years old when I had my abortion! Fourteen! It was the most horrific and obscene day of my entire life. This wasn't my choice at all, but look at my age. What was I to do? It started with dumb choices, stupid decisions, and ended with an everlasting effect on my life, every day! I walked into that office only to walk out with a guilt that would reside in me forever with no one to tell, and the shame to never speak about what happens behind those clinic doors. It was the brightest day I can remember. The sun was so bright I had to squint, but as soon as I walked into that clinic in Rosemead, California, it became my darkest day. They interview you by yourself to make sure this is your decision. They should have interviewed my mother. Afterall, it was her choice to make, not mine. Thats what I felt like telling the so-called counselor.

Once they got me to say "Yes" they walked me to the back where there were other girls lined up against the wall sitting in chairs. The lady told me to take my clothes off and put my belongings in a locker and wait to be called. I was so numb and disconnected that I still did not grasp what I was about to do. They had me pee in a cup and go sit in a room with a doctor-office-type bed and a monitor machine. A lady came and pulled the monitor towards her and away from me, so she thought! She turned it on, rubbed my belly with what looked like a microphone, and at that moment I was no longer disconnected. I started to feel something; it was instant, it was protective. That was my baby!! As soon as she realized I could see the monitor she shut it off and told me, "you weren't supose to see that." I had all these emotions going on, but what was I to do at 14 years old?

It's still a question I have no answer to! They preceded to take me to what appeared to look like an operation room, laid me on a cold table, stabbed my hand with an enormous needle and told me, "you will wake up remembering nothing," as I stared at what looked to be a suction machine device. A few years later, I realized what it was exactly. I woke up so drowsy, feeling sick and hurting down there with painful cramps. I was so out of it, and when I looked around I noticed I wasn't by myself. I was laying there with five other beds filled with the girls that were waiting in the same room when I first arrived. I looked at the clock and saw that only ten minutes had passed from me being sedated to laying there with the "procedure" completed. Ten minutes, probably less, to suck my baby from me and from what I felt, my "life."

Every day since then I relive this, maybe not in its entirety but to an extent. It has never gone away! And throughout all these 13 years, through friends' pregnancies, especially my three pregnancies, and the birth of my three beautiful babies, it has always hit me the hardest to know that this is what I have destroyed, what I killed! It has taken me 13 years to get on my knees (literally) and ask the Lord to forgive me, to "Please forgive me." "Forgive me God for what I did, for being a murderer," I wept to God. I gave my life back to Christ on October 1, 2010 and I thought I had given all my sins and shame to him, but then one day I felt the shame, the ugliness of what I did to my unborn child, and it was at that moment I was only able to give it to him by asking for forgiveness of it. It may be my secret, but with the Lord we have no secrets! So I have come to love myself through it all because Christ loves me, but I will say it is the ultimate doom of your soul unless you seek God and repent of it and ask for forgiveness, but it still is unjust and immoral!! Look at it through Jesus' eyes not your own!

Age: 27
Location: California
Date: January 21, 2011