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I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant. Prior to my positive test, my mom had just moved to another state. She dropped me off on my dad's doorstep, kissed me, and drove away. He didn't want me, and I didn't want to be there with him, but I had nowhere else to go. I had a boyfriend who was 38, twenty years older than me. When I told him I was pregnant, his immediate response was "You have to get an abortion." I was heart broken. I felt sick to my stomach, and I just cried out in desperation "Please....what about adoption?" He said the cruelest thing to me.....He told me I would get all fat and stretched out, and have nothing to show for it. I was devastated.

I did not want to choose abortion. Every day he called me and hounded me about abortion. I finally gave in to him. I was glad that I had finally made a choice. I thought I could put it out of my head, and never think about it after that. Was I ever wrong.

I made an appointment, and my boyfriend drove me. We had to travel out of state to do it. I started smoking again that day. When I asked my boyfriend if I could have one of his cigarettes, he just kind of scoffed, and with a really rude tone in his voice, he said to me "Yeah. I guess it doesn't matter now, if you smoke, huh?" That hurt me so much.

I don't remember much after that. I remember going into the clinic. Ironically, the sign outside said "Family Practice". What a joke. I remember having an ultrasound. When I looked at the screen, I saw a grayish ball, and I asked "Is that the baby?" She turned the screen away, and said, "No, that's the embryo."

After that, she started telling me what she was going to do. I just told her that I did not want to know anything. I laid back on the table, and allowed her to rip my child from my womb. The pain I experienced was horrible. I can only imagine what my baby felt that day. I looked down at the doctor at one point, and the look she had on her face still haunts me today. She was absolutely cold. No emotion.

I walked out of that clinic that day a changed person. Gone was my innocence. I no longer could trust anyone, and I mean not one person. I never knew the fear and anxiety and panic that was to come. I would later give birth to 3 children, and spend so much time worrying about them, and wondering if God was going to rip them away from me at some point.

Recently I started a post-abortion recovery group/bible study, and it has been awesome. I never knew the impact that abortion had on my life. 13 years, I suffered in silence. There was no socially acceptable way to grieve the baby I had aborted, and no way to tell anyone of the pain I felt. God has His timing, I suppose, and now I'm dealing with it. It has been painful to dig it up again, but so necessary for me to do, in order to move on. I wish I had been able to access some information about what abortion really is.

God is good, and He has forgiven me, although I think I struggled to forgive me. I now know that my child rests safely in His hand, and I thank God for that. I know that He will not take my living children away from me. I am learning to trust Him more every day, and understand His love for me. He is so good.

Location: Coeur d Alene, ID
Date: November 27, 2010