• Videos / 
• Gear / 
• Blog / 
• Podcast / 
• Substack

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• /abort73

Like so many others who have shared their stories, I had an abortion, felt trapped, regretted it from day one, and have found it hard to forgive myself. When I first worried about being pregnant at 16, my boyfriend said not to worry, he'd take on however many jobs he needed to, to take care of me and the baby. We bought a pregnancy test together, and while we waited for the results, he held me and reassured me that he'd be there. As soon as I walked into the bathroom and saw the pink line showing I was pregnant, I screamed. I literally, audibly screamed. And the first thing my boyfriend said was "I'll go call and find out about an abortion." I felt so betrayed, and I knew it was wrong, but I didn't stop it... The procedure was horrible and uncomfortable and unpleasant. When I went to get up, I fainted. The nurses (or assistants or whatever) made fun of me for being weak.... I had a not-so-close friend who asked me all about it, and she was the only one I told... she had told me she thought she would have one if she became pregnant... I can't believe it, but I actually told her it wasn't that bad! I told her that it was uncomfortable and I was upset about it, but I was really glad not to have a baby. To this day, I feel responsible not only for the death of my baby, but also for any she might have had... I lied to my family, my friends, and most of all, to myself. I told myself God wouldn't want a baby to be born to me, at that stage in life. God wouldn't want a baby to be poor, unwanted, undernourished; wouldn't want me to be disowned, exposed, hated; wouldn't want me to skip college, or have all my "God-given" potential to go to waste. I thought my intelligence would go to waste if I had a baby - I didn't even think that raising a baby is a great way to give back to the world. I lied to myself. I justified it, even though there is no justification for it...

Date: September 6, 2006