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I found out I was pregnant in my last year of high school—when I was 16. I missed my period and started having morning sickness. My breasts were also really sensitive, and I was feeling nauseous at weird times. I had told one of my closest friends that I might be pregnant so she offered to come with me to the nurse’s office. We walked in and the nurse instantly knew why we were in there. She said, “You look pale; are you here to take a pregnancy test?” I then took the test and patiently waited in front of the nurse. She turned to check the test, then faced me and said, "I was right. It's positive. sweetheart, you're pregnant.” I looked at my friend; she turned white as a ghost. I could feel tears forming in my eyes, but I had a smile of shock stuck to my face. I messaged my boyfriend saying I need to take a pregnancy test with him. He picked me up from school at lunch and took me over to his house as no one was home at the time. I took two tests to confirm if I was really pregnant. They both come out positive. I showed them to my boyfriend and he instantly broke down as soon as he saw the two pink lines. He immediately started hugging my stomach saying he was sorry. I looked at him confused—asking why he was saying sorry. He looked up at me and said, “We can't keep him; I'm sorry.” I then broke down in front of him and walked out of the house as he tried to get me to stay. I ignored him for the rest of the day and went to the nurse to book appointments. 

It came around to my first ultrasound appointment. My boyfriend had came with me and the doctor showed us our tiny beautiful baby. He then made us listen to the heartbeat and we both broke down in the room as we had just heard the most beautiful thing ever. We went over to family planning and they asked us what we wanted to do with the child. We had told them we don't know yet, so they set us up with a councillor to help with the decision. After about two weeks of counselling, we decided on an abortion, but I felt rushed into it. I kept getting asked by my boyfriend to hurry and choose, and then the worst thing happened. My mother and godparents found out about the baby. My godparents cried, begging me to keep the baby. My own mother told me to get rid of my child while showing no emotion and not looking at me. 

The day of the abortion came. I lay in the hospital bed praying something would happen to stop this as I was too weak to tell them I didn't want to have an abortion—that I wanted my child. I remember being given a small cup full of pills to take before the procedure. I was about to take the first pill but broke down instead. Everyone in that room broke down with me. I couldn't bring myself to take the pill. The nurses then took the pills away and said to tell them when I was ready so they could bring it back for me to take. I had another talk with my councillor and my boyfriend. My boyfriend had said to me in a pissed tone “What are you gonna choose, man, you're wasting time.” That gave me some sort of adrenaline boost to take the pills. I cried the whole time while taking the pills. I couldn't swallow most of them properly as I was crying too much. I lay in that bed just staring at the window, waiting for the doctors to come in and wheel me off to the room to perform the abortion. About one hour later, the doctor in charge came and wheeled me off in a wheelchair. I entered the room and lay on that bed just trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst thing of my life. The procedure then started, I remember screaming, "I'm sorry… I love you!” and many other things while it was happening. The nurse next to me started crying from all my screams and cries.

To this day, I still think about you. I believe you would have been such a handsome boy, my son. You will always be my first child. Though your dad was a bit rough in the beginning he also loves and misses you so much. He regrets it just as much as I do, baby. We're hopefully gonna try for baby number two and give you a sibling here on earth—but no matter what, you will always be our number one. We love you, son.

Age: 18
Location: Wellington, NZ
Date: August 8, 2022