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I was 16 the first time I had an abortion. It's been 20 years and has taken me 19 years to talk about it. I wish I could say I learned from my mistake the first time, but I was so young and naive that I didn't realize what emotional effects that first abortion had on me—so I had another one when I was 19.

I'll start with the first. I was 16; my father who I lived with at the time gave me one option. I was to have the baby. I was going into culinary school and remember sitting down with my stepmom planning to order a bigger culinary jacket to fit around my belly. I went to my mom's that weekend and she told me I didn't have to do this. I could have an abortion and be a normal teenager. Um, yes, that sounds great. I had no idea what I was doing; I just wanted my life back! My mom took me to the clinic. I don't remember much about that part. I remember coming home and taking a pill, but I had to stay in the basement—on the couch down there, I don't remember why I wasn't allowed to go into my room. The pain that followed, I remember that—the blood, crying to my mom that it hurts, asking her to make it stop and her saying, “I’m sorry, I'm so sorry,” and her crying. 

My life after the abortion was filled with drugs and alcohol. I moved in with my mom after that as well and went to a different school, I never went to culinary school. My life was turned upside down. I don't think I understood why. I was a bad kid; my parents talked about sending me away. At some point I got kicked out of my mom's and lived with my aunt until being kicked out of there. I slept on my friend’s couch a lot until moving in with my boyfriend's parents. 

At 18, my boyfriend and I had a daughter. She was born with special needs. By 19 we had "broken up" because he wouldn't stop doing drugs, and I only drank every chance I got. I say that sarcastically, like I was any better than he was. I was living in my sister's basement with our daughter. I was seeing this other guy, but still sleeping with my ex—so when I found out I was pregnant again, I wasn't sure whose baby it was. 

I just knew I was a single mom of a special-needs child and there was just no way. I remembered how easy it was to have an abortion. I must have forgot how painful it was. I locked myself in the bathroom of my ex's parents’ house, I went through it alone, deserving every bit of pain. I started doing really heavy drugs after that and my ex's parents raised our daughter for a good year. 

I ended up becoming sober and moving away. I met the man I was going to marry and live happily ever after with—only to get pregnant, have our son, and get the crap beat out of me for years. I'm married now, to a wonderful man this time, eight years this weekend. My husband is the first person I've told; he's loved me through it. 

A month ago I shared my redemption story with the women's group at church. It was painful; I was so ashamed. But I believe God used my story for His glory, so He can help someone else heal from their past. That's why I'm sharing it here; I pray this helps someone. I hope you realize there is healing on the other side, even if it takes years like it has me. You can be healed from your mistakes. God gave me a verse when he saved me. I pray it helps you like it did me. Matthew 8:2-3: And behold, a leper came to Him and knelt before Him, saying, "Lord if you will, you can make me clean.” And Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him, saying, "I will; be clean." And immediately his leprosy was cleansed. 

Healing isn't an easy road. I was saved that day, my sins washed clean, but healing takes time. He forgives you, but the hardest part is forgiving yourselves.

Age: 36
Location: Florida
Date: July 4, 2022