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I had an abortion in February 2020. I really suppressed my feelings when it first happened. I pretended like it didn’t. My baby would have been due Sept 13th, 2020, which is also my anniversary with my boyfriend—now husband. We have been together 7 years. With the date of what would have been my child’s first birthday approaching, I find myself getting more emotional.

I feel sorrow, guilt, regret, and embarrassment. I feel like I’m incorrect for feeling sad about this when I was the one who chose what I thought was best for me at the time. I’m having a hard time, not necessarily forgiving myself, but allowing myself to grieve. I find it hard to allow myself to be hurt by something I chose.

I don’t have a normal story like others where they aren’t stable, don’t have a loving husband, the money to support the baby, etc. I have all of those. I am married to the love of my life; we live on our own and have a steady income. I just didn’t feel ready. Now, I find that so selfish—like a failure to my baby to let my selfishness get in the way of its beautiful life. I feel grief for doing this to my husband. I feel so extremely terrible, I have forgiven myself, but I have not gotten over the grief hill. I have helped myself with this by getting stronger in my faith and praying a lot. It has helped.

I feel embarrassed when I have an opportunity to talk about it to someone else. All around, I’m just having a hard time allowing myself to be open about my emotions because I feel as if I don’t have the right to feel like this.

I know what’s done is done. It happens for a reason and I cannot change the past, but lately, I find myself having a hard time getting the thoughts out of my head. The thoughts of what I experienced during the procedure, the feelings I kept inside and locked away, and the guilt I feel now talking about my future children. My husband and I plan on having kids soon. It just weighs heavy on my heart thinking what I went through. I feel almost guilty for wanting to try to have a baby now after what I did.

I am not suicidal; I do not hate myself. I already went through heavy, negative emotions previously. Now, I have recovered and developed a very positive, at peace mindset. I just can’t seem to allow myself to grieve. I am trying to become okay with grieving. I want to allow myself to feel grief without embarrassment or such feelings of wrongdoing.

Age: 25
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Date: August 14, 2021