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My baby is dead now. It's gone and there is nothing I can do about it. I am at a complete loss...

Abortion Story: Newcastle, UK

Submitted to Abort73 by a 15-year-old woman on April 8, 2020.

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I was and still am 15. My abortion was in February of this year, easily the worst month of my life. I didn't want to have the abortion. My own mother had me at the age of 15. I was put into foster care and adopted. I didn't intend to give my baby up for adoption when I had it. I had the intention of keeping it and caring for it for myself. When I look back, the date of conception lines up within a few days of my suicide attempt in December 2019. For this reason I thought of the baby as my miracle baby. Instead of losing life, I was given a life. I understand I am young and circumstances weren't ideal, but I know I could have offered my baby a good life. I was pressured into having my abortion by a number of people, and a number of factors. No one but myself was trying to be optimistic. After days of hours worth of crying and arguing and questioning myself, I decided that I couldn't emotionally deal with the pressure. I gave in and was immediately rushed into the procedure. I had no time or space to really think. I can imagine many younger girls are pressured by families and friends into making decisions they don't want to make, like myself, and the anger I feel towards myself for giving in hurts dramatically. But what hurts so, so, so much more is the loss of the baby that I once had. My baby is dead now. It's gone and there is nothing I can do about it. I am at a complete loss and there is not a day goes by where I do not cry or feel hatred and hurt because of this. It hurts me to see so many other girls/women who are pressured into having an abortion and feeling this way. I saw my baby, on both the ultrasound and then in person when I had the medical abortion. I was 9 weeks along. My baby was precious. It had legs and arms and hands. You could see the definition of fingers and tiny, tiny facial features. I cannot erase that image from my head. For something so small—around 2cm—it was so human. It hurts. I hope that one day I will forgive myself, but as far as I am concerned now, I deserve the pain and suffering I am going through for what I did. I hate myself for it.

Age: 15
Location: Newcastle, UK
Date: April 8, 2020

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