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I was 14 weeks, 4 days pregnant on the day of the abortion. I am an emergency room nurse. I deal with life and death on a daily basis but never thought I would choose to end an innocent life one day. Deciding to have an abortion was the worst decision of my life. I am a 37-year-old mother of two children—13 years old and 10 years old. The moment I found out I was pregnant I decided that I am keeping this pregnancy at any cost. I fell in love with that child from the time I saw the positive result on my home pregnancy test. I talked to that baby every day, made a promise to love and protect her from everything, and promised to give her a good life. I suffered from extreme nausea and vomiting but never took the prescribed antiemetic or any medicine because I didn’t want any medication side effect to touch her. I took my prenatal vitamins very diligently. I went to all my prenatal appointments and had the pleasure of seeing my baby move during the ultrasound. My doctor did the cell-free DNA screening blood test at 12 weeks gestation which detected my baby’s gender—my little Angel, my princess, my daughter. It was a child out of my extreme love for someone. It was god’s gift; it was a life waiting to be born and experience this world.

I am officially married but don’t have a married relationship with my husband. We’ve been married for 14 years, have two children, but our marriage fell apart several years ago. We decided to continue to live in the same house for the sake of our children without having any physical or emotional connection with each other. After being in this obligatory relationship, I met someone who came across as the most ideal man anyone could ever meet—who happens to be a doctor I worked with. However, this man, whom I loved like my life, his only connection with me was sex without emotion, feelings, and relationship. He at no cost wanted me to have his child and wanted to have nothing to do with me. I was okay with him not getting involved in my life or the life of his future child. I told him repeatedly to leave us alone and move on in his life, but he was determined to end my pregnancy. He started emotionally blackmailing me from the moment I revealed to him that I was pregnant. He used all his tricks and tools from abandonment, ignoring, begging, crying, anger, love, fake promises, suicide warnings, threats of him leaving the country forever to convince me to abort. I was firm on my decision and knew I wanted my child. We argued back and forth, with him sticking to his decision of aborting my child while I was firm on my decision not to end a life. I kept my pregnancy news between the two of us until I was about 11 weeks pregnant. Then I decided to tell our families.

It was nothing but chaos after revealing the news to our family. Their first thought was that it is an illegitimate child that came from an unmarried, impure, and socially unacceptable relationship. I was told I would face terrible consequences, such as a child with disabilities for creating a child by going out of my marriage. How could an innocent child in a womb be impure? An embryo/fetus/baby is created by the same process and by the same higher power regardless of who it is. My family begged me to abort, and after my refusal, they decided to break all their ties with me. His family begged me to abort by literally getting on their knees and crying for hours in front of me. He cried in front of me endlessly and constantly reminded me of how I am being selfish, that I was only thinking about what I wanted and thinking about an unborn child instead of thinking about all these people around me and their happiness. He used my two children as an emotional weapon by repeatedly saying I was ruining their future by bringing an unrelated sibling into their lives. He repeatedly told me I was making an emotional decision instead of a sensible one by continuing my pregnancy. I was repeatedly reminded of the financial burden of being a single mother of three children—how I was being unfair by bringing a child into this world without a father. I was reminded that I would have no family support, how my children and I would be looked down upon in society, how I would be known as a pariah. I was constantly being reminded that I was ruining my life and future and ruining his life and future by having a child that he didn’t want. After becoming aware of the whole situation, my OB/GYN indirectly advised me to not continue my pregnancy. She straight forward told me that the baby in my womb was not viable yet, that I should be only thinking about the future of my two existing children. She said abortion is not a sin, but that it was a sin to bring a child into this world and neglect it. My friends thought of my future struggles, being a single mother of three children, having a child out of a toxic relationship with a toxic person, nothing seemed sensible to them about continuing my pregnancy, but they assured me that they would stick by my side regardless of my decision.

After this non-stop battle with everyone I started doubting my decision. I started thinking about how everyone was advising me against continuing my pregnancy, how I was ruining everyone’s life for my own happiness. All these thoughts of finances, society, three children, work, future, hurting others, robbing others of their happiness, ruining his future, ruining my baby’s future, ruining my two kids’ future, all these thoughts took over my mind. All these thoughts on top of constant nausea, vomiting, being hormonal, no sleep, thinking about what if I changed my mind about having abortion in the second trimester, or what if the regret of having my baby drove me insane? I feared how my stress, my doubts, and my constant thinking of whether to have her or not was impacting her development. I felt guilty for keeping her in fear inside me at all times. I thought of how she must be feeling inside me when I thought of keeping her or killing her. I saw a counselor, constantly spoke to my friends, my husband—who turned out to be a best friend—about the right thing to do, but there was no clear-cut answer. My family had abandoned me, my partner was firm on his decision and didn’t want to discuss it anymore, and all the people I considered wise had advised abortion. At one point I just wanted this constant internal debate and thinking to stop as I couldn’t settle on one decision anymore. After non-stop thinking for three weeks I decided to have abortion as it seemed sensible and not an emotional decision.

He took me to an abortion clinic to destroy what I had conceived during our relationship. He sat next to me for hours without saying a word and I cried non-stop, wondering if I was doing the right thing. I cried thinking how it would be all over. I wished someone would come and tell me to stop and take me away from that place. I sat there waiting in line for my baby to be killed. They called me in to do a sonogram; the sonographer measured my baby’s body parts so the surgeon could estimate how much they had to suction out. I came out crying and told him that we were doing wrong by ending a life. He plainly said, “I don’t want to discuss; it’s your decision.” I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to at that point. They called me in and told me to change into a gown. As I went in to change I cried and told the worker I was not sure whether I wanted to have abortion or not. She told me to go outside and talk to my partner about our decision. I went out and that monster didn’t want to talk at all and again said, “I don’t want to discuss; it’s your decision.” I sat next to him crying for half an hour and decided to go back in and get it over with. As I was changing into a gown, I was praying to god to give me some kind of sign to stop this murder and my phone rang. It was my OB/GYN office asking me about missing my appointment. I ignored that phone call as a sign and went into the baby killing room. Their anesthesiologist saw me and asked if I was alright and I started crying. After seeing me like that, the anesthesiologist went and got the surgeon. The surgeon saw me and told me to come out of the room and get dressed because he wouldn’t do the procedure on me. I was so happy that it didn’t happen, that I was keeping my baby, that I was not ending a life. I saw the woman who had walked me in. She asked what happened. “I see a smile on your face.” I hugged her, cried, and told her that I didn’t want to do it. She said she was happy for me. She handed me my clothes back and told me to change.  As I started changing back into my clothes, very happily and excitingly, I thought of him sitting outside in the waiting room and then suddenly all those thoughts reappeared in my head about whether I was doing the right thing or not by continuing my pregnancy. I stood in the restroom naked, puzzled again with the same thoughts for 15-20 minutes and  then finally gathered courage to end my thought process and walk out of that damn place. I got dressed, felt happy that I was having my baby, and it was god who listened to me and stopped me from committing a sin. As I came out in the waiting room I saw him sitting there. The office workers had already told him that the doctor didn’t perform the procedure. He was clearly upset, didn’t talk to me, and we walked out. As we waited for the elevator I told him to stop being mad at me and he basically flipped out. He started yelling and saying all sort of things. All I remember is him saying how I had complicated everything, how he was trying to fix everything, how all these people that were in the waiting room had the procedure done and left already, how much time I had wasted, how I came off of the operating table without getting it done, that the doctor didn’t do the procedure because I was crying constantly, and how I could still go back in and tell the doctor to perform the abortion. I saw his miserable face. I felt his pain of having a child with me; I pitied him. I felt his anger, and his hate towards me and my child. I thought, if I love him then why I am making him suffer like this? Something took over and I decided to go back in. I went in and told the same woman, “do the procedure.” She asked, “Are you sure?” and I responded, “Don’t ask me again; please just do it.” That monster stood behind me as she told us to sit while she went and asked the doctor if he was still willing to perform the procedure. She came back and told me to come in as the doctor was willing to perform the procedure. She guided me to the restroom to change into the same gown I had taken off just a few minutes ago. As I was entering the restroom, I heard the doctor telling the anesthesiologist and the assistant that they would do the procedure but no one would ask me if I was sure, if I was okay, or whether I wanted to do it or not. The anesthesiologist saw me standing there and closed the door as the surgeon was practically yelling. I changed into a gown and entered the same baby-killing room. Everyone had their mouths taped shut with a blank stare at me. They were done for the day, so the room was being cleaned, and equipments were disassembled already. The surgeon walked in with a laptop in his hands with some loud music playing. He saw me standing and yelled at his assistants because there was no sheet on the operating table. She responded back by saying that she is putting together the equipment but he yelled at her again and she quickly threw a sheet on the table. I sat on that table shaking in fear about the doom that was about to happen. I was telling myself to run out of there and save my baby, but I didn’t. They put up my feet in the stirrups and the anesthesiologist put an IV in place. As I watched him do it, I was telling myself to stop him and run out of there but I didn’t. He connected me to IV fluids and I told myself to pull the damn IV and run out of there, but I didn’t. They made me sign the consent while I was on the operating table. As I was signing I was thinking to stop all this and run out of there, but I didn’t. I suddenly heard the surgeon tell the anesthesiologist, “Doctor, go ahead.” I wanted to scream “STOP” but I couldn’t, and next thing I knew, sedation started kicking in and I saw the surgeon next to me with a syringe full of propofol. Everything started becoming blurry and fading away. I remember screaming as I went under anesthesia. The next thing I remember was being woken up by someone to an empty womb. It was all over, my baby was snatched away, gone forever. Now, I would never have to think whether I wanted to have her because they pulled her out of me in pieces. Everything was over in minutes for everyone else, but I was left with this loss to endure for the rest of my life. Of course, as predicted he vanished from my life from that very moment.

I regret my decision every second of my life. I went back to the place the same night I had the abortion, as if I could bring her back from there. I stood in front of the building trying to process what had happened but nothing made sense. I still can’t process the fact that she is gone forever. I miss my Angel. I have so much love to give her, but I will never get that chance now. I am full of guilt because I ended an innocent life for the sake of other selfish, cruel people. I ended an innocent life due to my own fears about the future. I failed to realize that no one can predict the future and that the future was going to be uncertain with either decision. I wish I had given an innocent life a chance to live instead of caring about selfish people worrying about their societal status. I thought my thinking would be over after abortion but I re-live that day over and over. Everything repeats itself in my head, and I constantly think about should have, could have, would have. I imagine how she would have felt when they destroyed her developing body and how they tore her apart. The pain is unbearable. My only wish is that I could go back in time and change what happened to her. I wish to hold her, kiss her, shower her with all the love I have for her, but she will never come back to me. I look at her ultrasound pictures and write to her all the times. I hug the shirt I wore the day I had the abortion, thinking this shirt has touched her in some way. I miss her to the extent that words can’t explain. The reality hits me over and over again, and I realize that I made the worst mistake of my life. I committed a sin; I let go of someone that I loved with all my heart. I pray every day that god has sent her to a better place. I have to live the rest of my life with this heavy heart full of sorrow and guilt that buries me down, and the truth that I would never hold that child. The medical community and the pro-choice groups make you believe that it’s a cluster of cells or a blob of tissue that you are removing from your body. The reality is that it is a life inside you at the very beginning of its life cycle. It is a life in its purest form. It’s a life in its most innocent form which depends on his/her mother for protection, safety, and survival. It’s a life that is passing through a particular phase of development in mother's womb just as a newborn develops through infancy, childhood, and then into adulthood. I wish I had the capacity to think what I am thinking now or view life the way I do now. I wish I had chosen a different path. Now, I face the fact every day that no matter what I do, there is no way I can bring her back.

I am sharing this story because I don’t want another woman to suffer with the pain I am suffering from now. I don’t want another innocent life to end because of some uncertainty in someone’s mind. No one can predict the future; no one can tell you what your future would look like with your child or without your child. I work in the healthcare field, but I never thought of the embryo/fetus as a life until I ended one. I always believed in women’s right and thought I was a pro-choice believer. This experience has changed my whole perception about life, death, and abortions. At an emergency room/trauma room you encounter dying patients all the times. In certain instances, despite all your efforts and medical intervention, you fail to save a life but you come to terms with it by thinking that it was god’s will. But when you choose to end a life, there is no one you can hold responsible but yourself and it is one of the most difficult realities to deal with. The embryo/fetus growing inside you is a life and that’s a fact. Ending a life is not a solution to your problems. My 13-year-old son told me, “Mom, don’t do it; it’s wrong. It’s not going to change what has happened already, and you will live in guilt your whole life.” I didn’t listen to him. Everyone said he was just a 13-year-old child. A 13-year-old said the truth as it is because his views weren’t covered with selfishness and masked by fear of society. Please, if you have any hesitancy, any doubt, or you are being pressured into having an abortion, don’t do it. People who are pressuring you into having an abortion, it is not because they are concerned about you, it is only out of their selfishness and personal gain. If it’s not feasible for you to have a child and care for it, please consider adoption. I wish I did. You have to rise above that thinking of what if. What if I have a child and I give it up for adoption, and the child is abused? What if I give up my child for adoption and the child turns out to be a genius? Then I will regret giving him/her up and so on. The truth is, you don’t know and ending a life due to your own fear of uncertainty will not fix your problems. Another truth is that it’s not just about your life anymore. It is also about that other life thriving inside you. Please, I urge you to consider your decision carefully. Don’t make an impulsive decision, and under no circumstances get pressured into having an abortion. Before you choose to abort. please at least once consider that when you have ended that life there is nothing you can do to reverse what has happened.

I hope to be forgiven one day by god for the sin I committed, and I hope to be forgiven by my Angel for choosing to end her life.

Age: 37
Location: New York
Date: October 6, 2018