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I’d been on Depo-Provera and was told my chances of having children were low to not possible. It had been over a year since it had run out. I’d been on the pill, but it made me sick so I stopped taking it. After all, I couldn’t get pregnant anyway. I’m in a long-term relationship. We live together, and he’s truly the love of my life.

Fast forward to three months off the pill. My periods became extremely regular, and we conceived our baby in the beginning of June. I knew as soon as my period was late that something was wrong. I took a pregnancy test to rule it out before I went to the doctor because I thought I had cysts. I had a digital test and staring back at me was: Pregnant 3+. I’ve always wanted kids, I constantly look at nurseries, I write down baby names, and I fantasise about how many I’ll have and what kind of mother I’d be.

However, I live in a country I’m not a citizen of and don’t have access to government benefits, maternity leave, etc. I’d just been made redundant and on my last day of work I would have been visibly pregnant and my chances of getting another job were zero to none. We were just about to leave house; we had two overseas holidays booked. I would have had no income for my baby, so we made the decision to abort based on that and the fact that we were young.

I was very sick throughout the pregnancy. I threw up essentially all day. But every day I cried since the day I found out. I spoke to my belly, I apologised, but mostly I just cried.

It was the day before my surgical abortion was booked and work called to tell me my redundancy had been revoked and I now had a job. I didn’t even have time to think about it before the surgery. I cried from when I woke up, to seeing our baby on the sonogram, to when they put me to sleep. The lady was wiping away my tears, running her fingers through my hair, telling me how strong I was—until the anesthesiologist administered the anesthesia and I was asleep.

I’ve struggled every day since; I long for our baby. I feel like a murderer. I wonder how life would be different. I imagine how my belly would look now, what it would feel like to have my angel kicking me, and how I would be setting up her room. I struggle with seeing babies, newborns, toddlers, and kids in general. I think about how beautiful a father my partner would be and what we’d be doing now.

Age: 21
Location: Victoria, Australia
Date: September 9, 2019