Abortion Story: Australia
Submitted to Abort73 by a 21-year-old woman on May 20, 2019.
I regret it deeply. I wish I could take it back. I had a medical termination at 7 weeks—at home—after falling pregnant with my husband who I have two children with. We live with family, all of us in one bedroom. We have every mean and affordability to move out, however we moved back in with family to save a house. My husband works, and I am a student at college full time. When I found out I was pregnant, I was not ready. I was in denial, almost. My husband and I had the same immediate thought "no, not right now". Looking back, I don’t think we thought about it rationally. Part of me was crying out "please dont do this", but I refused to acknowledge it until it was too late. The week leading up to it, I told my husband, “I’m having doubts. I’m scared. Should we? Will we regret this?" He assured me it was the best decision. I let him have the final say. Part of me thinks that’s because I was weak and I knew I wouldn’t do it unless my husband thought it was the best decision. I didn’t want to argue about it, I didn’t want him to worry, so I said, “OK, you’re right." I took the pills at home, alone. I had to physically FORCE myself to take them. I didn’t want to at all, but I did. The guilt kept me up all night, I was unable to sleep, restless, angry, frustrated, hurt. I had a second lot of medication to take, and the next evening I sat in the bath and Googled, “Is there any way to reverse the effects of the first abortion pill?" To my despair, results indicated it was completely unsafe to reverse the effects—with high risks of "late abortion" or fetal deformity. IF by slim chance reversal worked, this was the "best scenario". No way, I couldn’t live with that. So the next day, in fear, I took the second lot of medication. I messaged my husband from home, anxiously, telling him I was full of regret, sad, and scared about what would come. I didn’t want this. I prayed and cried and prayed and cried for forgiveness. God only knows I didn’t want this. I hadn’t thought about it. I hadn’t done the right thing. I ended up gushing with blood and clots that pads couldn’t even hold. It was a nightmare. I tried to avoid confronting the contents, but it was inevitable. I was overwhelmed with guilt and anger and depression. I felt like a monster, a complete monster. I ended up in hospital, where I was "punished”—thats how it felt—by doctors who I felt judged me so severely. One doctor in particular was supposedly performing an examination down there, and I realised she was performing a D&C!!! With NO pain relief, NO analgesia, NO anaesthesia! I was in agony, crying on the bed. The doctor was dealing with me harshly, rolling her eyes, stomping her feet and being so rude to me. I felt horrible. Today, days on, I feel a sense of mourning. The pregnancy I hated—the morning sickness was horrible—started to be the one thing my mind and body in whole missed so dearly. I lost my child. I will never know who they were, and it’s my fault. I’m now battling the inner urges to replace the life I took. My body wants that so badly, but I know it’s not the right time. I shouldn’t have done it. Please don’t make the same mistake I did. THINK about the decision, and what you’re losing. You’ll only regret the child you’ll never have.
Date: May 20, 2019