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Four years ago my fiancé and I decided to throw away our pills and go forward with having a baby of our own. It wasn't very long until until we got what we wanted. Both of us were so excited and so happy. My fiancé nicknamed the baby “bean.” We had a very positive happy relationship. Sadly, it wasn't long until family drama and mishaps with friends tore us down. In a fight and temporary separation we had, I called a clinic about an hour from home. We were able to get in the next day. Sitting teary-eyed in the waiting room I concentrated on the other girls’ emotions as we waited to go back. Some looked as sad as I felt and some were relaxed, laughing and talking as normal. I had a deep sadness that just hung on during the procedure. My fiancé cried as he held my arm. The moment it was done I felt empty, angry, and sad. I hoped it was a bad dream and I'd wake up. I'd hoped they messed up and my baby was still there. It's been four years and there are days that I wish I'd just stop breathing. My fiancé and I are still together and love each other very much, but it's like a part of us is gone forever, no matter what we do. My heart is broken. Sometimes I think about it multiple times a day; sometimes it skips a day. I hurt when I see another pregnant lady, and I hurt even more when he looks. I see a mom or dad with their baby and it hurts. I never expected it to feel this way for so long and so deeply. I would do anything to take it back. I'd trade places with my baby if I could. Sometimes the memories are unbearable and I try to not believe I did this. This was my choice. It took me less time to get an abortion than approved for a rental house. I do believe women should have the right to choose their path, but I also wish that it wasn't so easy and so fast. I wish they would have made me wait a week. Just a week to think and not use my anger and sadness to make a choice that wasn't right for us. Now we hurt, and I can't put this kind of emotion into words. All I can say is it's the most empty feeling I could imagine. It's not just the loss. I've lost babies before and it stings and hurts, but I didn't choose it. It's a completely different emotion. I'm ashamed and I'm angry at myself. I don't go to self help groups nor really talk about it. I don't feel I deserve to have this lifted. I do my best to go on for the ones I love, but I do not love myself any longer for the loss I have caused. We were 10 weeks when I made the choice, so I can't even imagine the emotions of women who were further along. I think everyone is different and will probably feel different. I myself feel lifeless because I chose to create a life with someone I love and in a fit I also chose to take that life away. Daily I hope that this empty spot will fade. Every day I hope for just one less tear. And I hope maybe just one woman reads this and still makes her own choice but maybe takes a little more time to think about what she's doing and how she's going to feel afterwards. I feel so sorry for what I've done.

Age: 37
Location: Salem, OR
Date: March 5, 2018