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I made the wrong choice, and I suffer for every breath I take...

Abortion Story: New Jersey

Submitted to Abort73 by a 18-year-old woman on February 25, 2017.

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Voices in my head telling me I'm not strong enough. Am I the only one hearing all these? I ask myself, why me? Why not them? But the good people get hurt always, so I guess I'm one of them. Am I always gonna feel like I made the worst choice? Yes, I admit it was a horrible, painful choice, but at the end of the day I can't go back to change it. If I had a choice, I would go for it and make my life different—much happier and better. But we can't have flowers without rain. For me, it is always raining. I wonder why I was brought into this world. For what reason? To worry each day? To Cry? I wanna know, why me? But I can't find out. I can ask myself, why didn't I say no? But we all know why. It's because I was scared, alone. I had no voice. I had no choice.

I say those things to myself whenever I'm sad, but that's not true. I should have fought for the baby. It was mine, but just because I was scared and believed a man that is actually a stupid boy, I made the wrong choice, and I suffer for every breath I take. We can say I grew up with an alcoholic, abusive father. Yes, that made me who I am today. But I'm not proud. I want to change, but sometimes that's really hard. Choosing a different step in a path can be horrifying. Everywhere I go I cause problems of my own. I get myself involved in bad situations, and here it is a pattern of my life. A smile for me is a miracle. A miracle for me is a baby. And I know what you're thinking. I'm 18, don't have a stable job or home, and can barely cook. It doesn't matter what age you are. When you hold a baby and see the smile on their face, you are a parent. That child can change the world. But one mistake, and it's gone.

Pressure, dizzy, hungry, impatient, bleeding, noises, shaking, lights, legs spread up, wide awake, thinking, why should I? I saw the whole thing happen, blood all over a small tube. That's what my nightmare is about. Sixteen years old, crying, without a voice to be heard. Eyes watery, crying out loud, please help me. The doctor finished the procedure, and I was left alone. The being used feeling, the threats, anger, but for what now? I can't change what happened. I learned from my mistakes. Every day waking up, trying to get up with a smile on my face, but I can't do it; it's too hard. People tell me you are strong. Am I really? If I was strong I wouldn't have done it, but I did. I should have spoken, but I didn't. I'm not strong nor weak. I'm in the middle. Father in prison for 15 years, domestic abuse, thinking why him? Why is that my father? Why can’t I have a father that loves me? My father told me I'm useless, and I believe him. The choices I made without a voice made me a useless person.

Age: 18
Location: New Jersey
Date: February 25, 2017

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