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I had just broken up with my on-again-off-again boyfriend, who is very verbally abusive, when I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant. I felt so confused and didn't know what to do. I already had three children. I have been in court with the two father's of my three kids and didn't ever want to have a child brought up this way again. I was and still am dealing with children services because my ex abused me. So my circumstances were not too good. I called the father and told him the news. He was happy because he had tried to have kids his whole life but couldn't get anyone pregnant. We thought he was infertile, which is why I didn't feel the need to be on birth control.

The day after I found out, the father's sister started messaging me, saying they wanted a DNA test done because they didn't believe it was his child—because they thought he couldn't have kids. I felt insulted by this. This sister of his hates me. Then when I told him I didn't like what his sister said, it made us argue. He can be quite malicious when he's mad and has anger problems. He told me he was gonna pay for a DNA test. He said me and him had a long future of court ahead of us. He said if I didn't try to work things out with him, he would call children services on me and try to get my kids taken away. He said he would ruin my life.

I was so terrified of his threats; all I could think of was getting an abortion to avoid dealing with this nightmare of a man. But I could never tell him that, due to fear he might harm me. So I had my cousin take a pregnancy test. It came out negative of course, and I sent it to him and said I'm not pregnant. The other test I took was wrong. He believed me and started accusing me of faking the whole pregnancy thing. All my family and friends thought I should have an abortion, knowing how crazy this guy was and knowing how hard my life already was dealing with children services and still going to court with my abusive, estranged husband. So I made the appointment.

It was set for a week later. In that week I went through so many emotions: depression, crying spells, guilt. I started reaching out to family and friends. I was crying out for help. I really wanted someone to say that I could keep this baby and they would have my back 100 percent. But they didn't do that. All they could say was how I kept messing my own life up, how I couldn't have another baby when I was still married. How this new father was going to make my life hard.

I started watching YouTube videos of abortion procedures. They disgusted me. The mothers and medical staff all seemed evil to me. I thought I couldn’t do that. I stopped talking to one of my best friends who very meanly told me I had to have an abortion. The day before the appointment I went to a crisis pregnancy help center. I wanted to talk to a counselor to help convince me I could have this baby. There they spoke with me, gave me an ultrasound, and I even herd the heart beat. After I left, I called my brother. I wanted so badly for him to back me up on keeping it, but he didn't. I asked him about keeping the baby and not telling the father. Keep it a secret. But my brother said he would eventually find out and go crazy.

I called my dear friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. She urged me not to do it. She said just turn to God and study the Bible and it will all work out. I wish I would have listened to her. The next day was my abortion appointment, but I didn't go. I just couldn't do it. Instead, I went to my primary doctor and got a referral to an OB/GYN. I felt better. And so I thought if I’m going to keep this baby, I will let the father know I really am pregnant. And maybe he will change. So I told him. Again he was happy. He came over and catered to me, but still it didn't feel right. When I looked at him, I knew I couldn't trust him after he threatened to try to take away the kids I already had by calling children services on me. I knew if things didn't work out with him, and most likely they weren’t, that he would hire a lawyer and take my baby away or at least get joint custody. I knew his sister hated me and that I would have to deal with them for the next 18 years, or forever.

The next day I found out I had chlamydia. I contracted it from another man that I slept with once when my boyfriend and I broke up. When I told the father of my unborn about this he was furious. He said I was disgusting. That he would never forgive me for being with another man during our break up. He went back to saying he would take this baby from me. And he didn't want anything to do with me. He said I was stupid and a whore. He also said He was better then me and that I got pregnant on purpose because he was a gold mine—that I just wanted his child support.

He called me a nightmare that would never go away. I cried and cried; I hated him. I thought to myself, “That's it, I can't keep this baby.” This guy is crazy. He's going to mess things up for me and my three kids. So I decided to have the abortion. On the appointment day, he called me and left me a message saying that he had been praying I would miscarry and I should just have an abortion because he knew I would make his life miserable. Mind you, I hadn't talked to him since he said the last hurtful stuff, and he didn't even know what I had decided. I have never even mentioned the word abortion to him. So I went to the appointment. My conscience told me to leave, to go home and rest and eat. But I forced myself to go through with it. I felt I was protecting my three kids from this man's threats.

Even when I got on the bed for the procedure, my conscience told me to get up and run out. But I didn't listen; I wish more then anything I had. I now cry all the time. I'm depressed. I live with unimaginable guilt, regret, and sorrow. I just want my baby back. I'm so, so, so deeply sorry to my baby. If I could turn back time, I would have kept that pregnancy and prayed to God. Who knows? Maybe everything would have worked out. I feel selfish. Maybe I would have suffered court with this father, but I should have suffered instead of taking a life of an innocent baby. I can't live with myself now. If I see a pregnant women or baby it kills me. I feel like a horrible monster. I hate abortion and how normalized it is. I feel unworthy. I feel like God will never forgive me. I feel I will never forgive myself. I'm so lost now. Its only been a month since my abortion.

Whenever I bleed I feel guilt. I even got back together with the father again. I told him I had a miscarriage. We broke up again of course. This damaged me so bad that I thought if I got back together with him, first, it would make me feel better and temporally get my mind off this pain. Second, maybe I could conceive with him again and it will look just like the one I was supposed to have, and that will make me feel better.

I still feel this way. Even though I know it's not smart. I would just do anything to take away this pain. He and I ended up arguing again. He said really bad things to me. He again threatened my children and put me down, both sexually and physically. The nature of his words were downright cruel. Although they made me cry and feel so ugly, I feel I deserve it for doing what I did.

I regret my decision. And hope one day there will be an end to abortion. I hope someone will read this and change their mind. The life in our womb is meant to be born and live a life with us on earth. The unborn have the right to live. Please don't do as I did. It will change you forever. Do what is right. Trust God. Turn to him. Its your life; you don't have to take advice from others who say abortion is the best choice. Is their life not just as important as anyone else’s? I urge anyone contemplating abortion to keep your baby. Turn to God. Go to a pregnancy help center for help. There is always a way. Your current problem is temporary, but your baby will be with you for life—even after your tribulations.

Age: 28
Location: West Covina, CA
Date: September 12, 2016