• Videos / 
• Gear / 
• Blog / 
• Podcast / 
• Substack

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• /abort73

I don't even know where to start. Two weeks before my birthday I woke up and suddenly I just knew I was pregnant. I had a pregnancy test in a cabinet and that morning I took the test. The two lines showed up, and I was in complete disbelief. When the dad of my baby came back from his trip I told him, but he didn't take to it. He just closed his eyes and made this expression like “Oh sh*t, what we gonna do?” But he just said, “I will support you in whichever decision you make, but I don't think is the right time.” I did a little but of research; we didn't talk much bout it, but I didn't want my parents to find out. For three weeks, I wasn't sure what to do. Of course I wanted to be a mommy, his or her mommy, but how was I gonna tell my parents that I was pregnant when they think I've been single for years? So I made the appointment a week after my birthday and decided to do it with the abortion pill. I planned to tell my parents, but we just found out that my dad has cancer. How do ai tell them I'm pregnant? So I met with the baby's daddy, and he helped me with half of the money to pay for the procedure. He didn't try to stop me; he didn't show any emotion toward my baby or say anything. He didn't go with me to the clinic; I was all on my own.

I filled out the paperwork, paid $580, and read the package that they gave to me. It all seemed very easy, with some cramping. The procedure was supposed to be less invasive than the surgical procedure, but I felt completely lonely. Since the day I found out that I was pregnant I kinda knew I couldn't keep him or her. my little angel from heaven. This wasn't your fault; it was pure selfishness from my part. As soon as they called me they did the ultrasound, and I kept it. It is the only thing I would have from my beloved child. I love my baby, despite my decision, and I ask him/her forgiveness for my decision since that day. At the clinic after the ultrasound I cried because I was in complete disbelief about what I was gonna do.

The lady told me that I would be fine, that I'm not alone, and that many of them have been through the same situation. They gave me two pills at the clinic. All I'd have to do was to wait 24 to 48 hours to continue the procedure at home. I hadn't been able to eat for two weeks and although they’d given me pills for nausea, my body couldn't take any of it. It was too late for me to back out. I took the last two pills, and the pain and cramps and fever started. It was a horrible pain. I knew I had killed my baby, my poor innocent baby. It was my duty to protect you, but I killed you, and I love you.

It sounds very contradictory, but I do love you, and I wish I had not taken those pills. You would still be inside me. The lady told me I was 6 week and 6 days. I wish I wasn't such a coward. Losing my baby has been my worst decision. Physically it was painful. The cramping was unbearable; I felt week. I had a fever and nausea. My mom was worried because she didn't understand what was going on. I just told her I caught a virus.

But more than a physical pain, as soon as that sack came out out of me, I knew I was pregnant no more. I had officially killed my baby—my sweet little baby, which I won’t ever meet. I won’t get to kiss him or her, nor hug him or her, nor raise you, and I regret this decision every second.

The dad from whom I expected full support completely disappeared for four days. I felt week and shallow and undeserving of life and love. I feel like trash every day because of my decision.

I didn't know that my decision would affect me so badly; this pain is truly unbearable. It’s a pain that I don't know if can be healed from. I just hope that my baby, and God, can forgive me.

My friend is pregnant and we were only a month a part. Each time I see her is super hard for me to be strong and to not cry. I envy her because she has it all together. Her baby is gonna be born in a very happy marriage and is very desired. Her baby will be a reminder of my baby all my life.

And I'm very happy for her, but the pain is killing me. She knows what I did, and she understands why I break down in front of her. I don't want to fill her with my sadness.

I needed to share this because all my emotions are still very sore and is right there stinging because it hasn't been even a month since this happened.

TO MY BABY: I'M SORRY AND I LOVE YOU AND I TRULY WISH I COULD TURN BACK TIME. I WISH YOU WERE STILL INSIDE ME.

LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART—YOUR MOMMY

Age: 27
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Date: June 28, 2016