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I do not want to live with this pain and guilt anymore. This is not the life I want. I just want my baby back...

Abortion Story: Kentucky

Submitted to Abort73 by a 19-year-old woman on March 28, 2016


December 11, 2015 is a day I will never forget, a day I made a terrible choice. To any women out there who are pregnant and reading this, hear me out. I know you're scared, I know you're so emotional, I know you have million emotions running through your head every minute of the day. You keep thinking about what you should do; you keep changing your mind back and forth. You keep wondering what is best, not only for you but for your baby. I've been there; I know the miserable feeling.  Remember, not a single person can make you do something you don't want to do. Don't ask your friends; don't ask your family. This is YOUR choice, this is YOUR body, this is YOUR life, and YOUR baby. This is something you're going to have to face for the rest of your life. I can't tell you what choice to make but I can tell you my experience so far, what I've been going through, and how bad this choice to have an abortion has affected me.

It's been three months since my abortion. Today I would have been 21 weeks and 4 days. I would have known by now if I was having a baby girl or boy. This is guilt; this is regret. This is the most painful, exhausting, depressing feeling I have ever felt. Every second of the day I ask myself, “What if I had kept my baby? What if everything would have turned out okay?” This guilt has token over every inch of my body; it has made me go into depression and have such bad anxiety. I can't even look at a baby without thinking that it could have been me with my baby. I see women out there with their bellies and I get so upset and jealous. I want to cry because that was supposed to be me. I have nightmares; I can't ever stop thinking about it. It seriously has messed me up physically, emotionally, and mentally. I'm in so much pain; I wake up every day and ask why I am here. I regret taking away my baby’s life; my innocent baby did not deserve that. I wish I could just go back. I wish I had gotten up and left the clinic and drove home. I do not want to live with this pain and guilt anymore. This is not the life I want. I just want my baby back. I want to hold you and tell you I'm sorry for giving up on you. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for taking away your last breath. I'm sorry for making your heartbeat stop. Mommy is hurting and is so sorry for what she has done.

I was driving today and this car in front of had a sticker on the back of their car that said, “Abortion makes a baby's heartbeat stop.” I just wanted to lose it right there and then, but I couldn't because I was in the car with my sister. I have to pretend everything is okay when I'm completely miserable at home. No one understands how I feel. No one gets me. I just want someone there for me. I made this choice because I was scared and I had no job, no car, and no money. My family is very strict so they would have kicked me out. But I think I would have somehow made it. I would have been okay as long as I had my baby. I would have worked my hardest to make everything work because it would have been all worth it at the end. I can never escape from this. I have to come to peace with it, but it's so hard. This is just a little of my experience and how I feel. If I could go back, I would have never made the choice to have an abortion. This is something you do not want feel or have to live with.

Age: 19
Location: Kentucky
Date: March 28, 2016

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