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In May of 2015, I didn't get my period when I was supposed to—which was weird because I'm never late. I didn't want to think about being pregnant. I kept telling myself not to freak out yet, but each day I didn't get it I started to freak out a little more. My boyfriend at the time kept telling me, “You're pregnant,” and I kept telling him I wasn’t. Just to make sure, I went to the store with my friend and got a test. I wasn't planning on taking it that night, but I couldn't wait any longer, so I did, and those two pink lines quickly showed up very clearly. I just stared and it and started shaking. I was not ready for a baby. The father and I didn't have jobs, we both still lived at home, and we hadn't been together very long.

I texted the test to my friend and my boyfriend. He didn't really have any emotion towards it. The next day I got a digital test. I took it and it read, "pregnant 3+.” I just stared at it and cried. My parents are very strict, especially my dad. I couldn't tell them. My boyfriend told me we couldn't do this; there was no way. And my friend told me the same thing. They both told me I should get an abortion. I love kids. All I ever wanted my whole life was to be a mommy. I've always been extremely against abortion, so I couldn't believe I was even considering it. I already loved my baby so much. But I couldn't afford it, and I had no support. I kind of just pretended it wasn't happening until my friend told her mom, who  knew of a safe place to get an abortion. I did not wanna do that. In my mind, everything would work out for itself, and I would be able to figure it out—but nobody else thought that.

I finally agreed since that's what everyone else thought was best. I never went to the doctor or anything. I just made the appointment for the abortion. I hate even saying that word. My boyfriend just pretended nothing was happening. But I was at his house, and he put his hand on my tummy and said, "there's a baby in there.” Since he knew we weren't keeping it, that just killed me. He would also ask me if I wanted to drink. I would answer, “Um, I'm pregnant!” He would just say, “You're getting an abortion anyways,” which hurt me so much. I didn't care; I tried to take care of my baby for the short time he was with me. In my heart I feel like he was a boy.

I tried so hard not to get attached to the baby but I couldn't help it. I didn't really get any symptoms, just no period, and I was extremely tired. I had maybe one nauseous day and a couple times where I would get really dizzy. But the day came, my friend took me to the clinic, and they had me fill out a bunch of paperwork and asked me a bunch of questions. They kept asking if I was sure this is what I wanted, and I lied and said “yes” even though that's not what I wanted to do at all. After each thing they had to do before the procedure, I would have to wait for so long. There were so many times where I just wanted to walk out. If f I was there alone, I probably would have. I got an ultrasound done, and the lady asked if I wanted to see my baby. I said yes, and there he was. He looked like a little peanut. They asked if I wanted a copy. I said yes because that's all I would have left of him. I didn't cry or show any emotion; I just pretended like that's what I wanted.

Finally, they took me back to the little room and asked again if this is what I wanted to do. Again I lied. They gave me the stuff to make it not so painful, and I immediately felt a little dizzy. They started to suck away my little peanut. The cramps were so painful, but my heart hurt more. I deserved the pain for killing my child. I immediately felt regret. I just wanted my baby back. They took me to the recovery room, and I just sat in the chair numb. Then I left and got in my car with my friend. She was surprised that it was over already. Everyone else seems to be thinking, “Now we can go back to normal and pretend nothing ever happened.” Well I can't go back to normal. I went home and lay in bed. I had to pretend like nothing happened because my mom doesn't know anything about it. That night I was texting my boyfriend, and he asked me how I was. I started crying, and I sent him the picture of our baby. He didn't seem to have any emotion about it. He said he cried about it and felt sad about it, but he never acted sad or anything so I doubt it. I saw him a few days after that. and he was all happy and already wanted to start having sex again. I literally couldn’t, and it pissed me off that he even wanted to.

I was so emotional. He got mad at me for something, and I just started crying. He was so confused. All I wanted was my baby back. It pissed me off and made me so sad that he didn't even care. I felt so alone because no one even knew how I felt. I always have to act like it doesn't bother me. I haven't had anyone to talk to because no one understands, so I have to keep it bottled up. I shut down and I stopped seeing my boyfriend as much because seeing him and being in his room just reminded me of the baby. He sold his TV so we could afford the procedure.

It just upset me that he didn't care, and that he pretended like it never happened. The fact that we weren’t hanging out as much caused more problems. He got mad at me a lot, and we were arguing more. He always pushed me to have sex when I really didn't want to. He thought that I just didn't like him anymore. But he didn't realize I was like that because of the abortion. I was hurting so much. Eventually he broke up with me because he said I depressed him and because I didn't enjoy having sex anymore. I've been so alone in this. I just wish I had someone who has been through it and feels the same way I do. My baby would have been due on January 30th. I was so depressed that day. I had the abortion in June; I was 6 weeks, 5 days when I had the abortion. I wasn't far along at all, but somehow that baby meant everything to me, and I loved him so much.

I regret the decision every day. I just want my baby in my arms so I can hug him and kiss him. I'm always gonna wonder what he would have looked like or been like. I'm so scared that I won't be able to have babies in the future. What if that was my only chance? I was supposed to protect my baby, but I just let everyone talk me into getting rid of my sweet innocent baby. Now when I see pregnant girls or girls with babies my age and younger I get so depressed and mad, like it's not fair. But I hope God and my baby forgive me. Mommy loves you, babe, I'm so sorry I didn't give you a chance.

Age: 20
Location: Michigan
Date: March 2, 2016