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• /abort73

It has been three days since I aborted my baby, and I have not stopped crying over it. My heart aches for my child, and I regret my decision.

I am the primary breadwinner as my husband has struggled to find a good paying job. My decision was made due to my excessive drinking (daily) and the fact that I am about to start a new job with higher pay.

I had a surgical abortion and asked to see my baby afterwards in my hospital unit. The nurse brought my baby to me in a plastic bag. I wanted to see it and believed I would have regretted not doing so. It was all tissue, but I saw my baby's little hand. :'(

I wish I didn't ask to see it; I believe this made it worse for me. My husband also saw it.

How much guilt I felt walking out of the hospital I cannot begin to explain. I left my baby on the table in my hospital room; what kind of mother am I?

My husband and I both broke down that same night. It was the worst day of my life. I am crying as I am writing this. My husband feels guilt too.

The only thing I have of my child is a song called 'Lift me up' by Mree, which I heard while watching a video on youtube about abortion. I was at the stage of deciding when I heard it. It is now my baby's song, and I listen to it and grieve.

I don't know how I will ever get over this; I hate myself.

Age: 33
Location: New Zealand
Date: January 24, 2016