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I found out that I was two months pregnant. My partner and I felt like we were pregnant but wanted to confirm it. We both went to the clinic in September and unfortunately I found out by myself. My heart broke because I knew what we had to do. None of our families would approve and we're still in education, so we wouldn’t be able to look after a baby properly. I had to go to the clinic again to have a scan. The waiting was so long, and people were staring at me and judging me. I felt so ashamed. I finally got into her office and she scanned my tummy and hid the screen. I told her that I wanted to see it because I couldn’t believe I had something growing in me that was part of me and my love. I asked for copies of the scan. You could see everything so clearly, tiny yet beautiful. I showed my partner the next day and he was in shock because we both couldn’t believe I had something in me. I had to go back to the clinic the following week and they told me the date that I was going to have the operation. It was on the 29th of September.

The procedure was so painful. Nothing could numb the pain, not even the anesthetic. Unfortunately my partner wasn’t allowed to be with me due to space, but he was in the room next door. I miss having a bump. At the time, I was annoyed about the morning sickness, but I wish I had kept the baby. I feel so bad that I was given a gift, but I destroyed it. It sucked the life out of me, literally. I always have this hate for the 29th because it was the day I killed my baby. I never stop thinking about it; I always end up crying and the worst thing is I can’t or couldn’t tell anyone anything about it. My love and I will always have this burden. Sometimes I think I don’t deserve to cry because crying means something bad has happened to you, without you causing it. But I caused this, so I should not be allowed to cry.

Every day it’s on both of our minds, and I don’t think it will ever go away. Sometimes I feel lost and wonder if I’m ever going to go back to my old self.

Age: 19
Date: December 25, 2015