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Last weekend, on Friday, December 11, 2015, I did something that is now eating me alive. It's been a week since I've had my abortion. I was actually taking it pretty well the first day because I knew what had to be done. But Saturday night came along, and everything I was holding in just hit me late at night. I was having a panic attack and a mental break down. I've never been through something like that, and it was so hard. I was in so much pain.

Sunday came along and I couldn't get myself to take the rest of the pills because that would complete the abortion. It would clean everything out—meaning parts of my baby would be falling out. Around 6pm I finally got myself to do it because if i didn’t, I couldn't have kids anymore, and I did not want that. I felt like it was still a part of me and I wasn't ready to let go, but I had to do it. So I did it. An hour later, I felt myself bleeding so I lay down trying to keep calm. While getting ready to go to the living room, I start bleeding a lot so I went to the bathroom and blood just starts gushing. I felt something come out of me.  It was round, and I think it was my baby. I couldn't believe what I’d done. I was full-on staring at my baby. I was bawling. It might have been tissue or clots, but I'm pretty sure I saw my baby.

The pain was unbearable. I sat there and controlled myself and tried cooling myself down. I just sat there; I couldn't get myself to flush the toilet because I thought to myself that's it, it's gone just like that. After 30 minutes in the bathroom, I finally got myself to move on. It's like something in me made myself not want to feel. Surprisingly, I took that night and Monday pretty well. I felt numb, like I literally couldn't feel anything. But on Tuesday, the guilt was trying to crawl up all over me. I was getting ready to break down, but I talked it out with one of my friends, and that actually helped me. She told me I wasn't a bad person for what I have done. We are all humans; we make mistakes; we all have flaws.

I keep trying to avoid the real problem. I feel like there's this huge dark ocean and I'm in the middle of it slowly sinking. I'm letting myself drown. I don't want to come back up for air because I feel like I'm slowly losing myself and I'm feeling so numb that it's helping me not feel the pain. And I feel like once I let myself completely drown, I'm going to lose myself. I'm not going to be the same person anymore. I'm going to be this lost soul begging for help. The rest of the week, Wednesday and Thursday, I did okay. I didn't cry or any of that. Friday came along, and it reminded me of what I've done because the abortion happened on a Friday. On Friday, last weekend, I was 6 weeks and a day. This Friday, I would have been 7 weeks and a day. But I ended that. So it's really hurting me.

Today is Saturday, and I feel SO exhausted. I feel so hurt; I feel like no one cares, and I just want someone to hug me and tell me it's gonna be okay. I just want someone to hold me. I'm in so much pain SO much pain. I can't believe I did this. Today is just not a good day; I'm hurting so bad. I ended my baby's life. I'm going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I have no one here for me. No one understands how I feel. Will it get better, God? I've done such a horrible thing. I need to get away; I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I need help. I had no job, no car, no where to live because I would have gotten kicked out. I had no support. I didn't want my baby suffering because of me. I knew what I had to do, but why am I in so much pain? Will it ever get better? I was to weak that I gave up on my baby. And I'm sorry for that; I truly am so sorry for that.

Age: 19
Location: United States
Date: December 20, 2015