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• /abort73

I had an abortion when I was 20. I had agonized over the decision—not that I had leanings one way or the other. I just really wanted the child. I was unmarried and the sperm donor dropped me like a hot potato on hearing the news. I was trying to work and go to college, while helping my mother and younger brother. I had a birds-eye view of what having children under similar circumstances was like. My parents married at 18, and I came along a year later. It was like we all had to grow up together and it wasn’t pretty. So that was my mindset at that time.

I went to a women's clinic, and I wasn't counseled about other alternatives. I was taken into a cold sterile room and told to take my clothes off, put the paper gown, and get on the table. The staff was far from being caring. They were more like life-like robots. I never saw the doctor’s face, but I heard his cold, clinical commands. I still feel the invasion into my body. During the procedure, I felt like my whole life was being vacuumed out. I was left bereft, empty, alone and guilty. I had just broken a Commandment; I murdered my child.

I am now 56-years-old. From that day to this, I think about my son (I had to give my baby a gender and name). Every time I saw a child, I would compare them in my mind, wondering how he would be at each stage of life. I look at grown men today and compare them in my mind, wondering what kind of man my son would have grown into. Would he be happy and successful? I was married at 25 to a wonderful man. We were married for 25 years before his sudden death. God never blessed us with a child. To this day I blame myself, and I know this is God’s punishment—to go through life looking at strangers and wondering, “What if?”

Age: 56
Location: Brooksville, FL
Date: October 15, 2015