• Videos / 
• Gear / 
• Blog / 
• Podcast / 
• Substack

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• /abort73

I thought this would never happen to me. I moved to [Mexico] to change scenarios—to be happier. Two years later, I was seeing a guy I had met online. At first, I felt weird, but we quickly connected and fell for each other. Three months after we started seeing each other, I felt off. I had missed my period. He said we should take a pregnancy test, and we met up so I could take it. The line was very faint, so we decided to meet up the next day to retake the test. The next day, we bought a digital test and it read 3+ weeks pregnant. I was in disbelief. How could this happen? Why now? Why me? I thought this wouldn't happen to me, not like this, not in this situation. No one knew about our relationship: no family, no friends; it was a secret. I felt every emotion possible, but I also felt numb. It felt like a bad dream. I cried. I cried so much, I lost it. We talked about it; we both had mixed emotions. We talked about the pros and cons. He said he supported my decision, whichever one it was. I was and still am in university. I had no job. No one knew about this strange relationship; we had just been going out for a couple of months. Everything seemed to be against us. My heart told me all that wasn't important. Since I can remember, the only thing I've ever wanted is to be a mom. Many have greater goals in mind, but mine was as simple or as complex as that. I wanted to be a mommy. For two weeks, my heart and my mind were at a colossal war. At times, I thought I could overcome all those obstacles and keep my beautiful baby. In the end, my greatest desire and my love were not enough. We decided to have an abortion. The rest of my family was back home in the U.S., and [the abortion] has remained a secret that I keep within me. I will forever regret what I did. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think of my baby. My relationship with the father has since fluttered. We still talk, but his feeling towards our relationship faded away. The day of the abortion was the worst. The physical pain was nothing compared to what I felt inside. My heart left when my baby went to heaven. I know I will carry this pain forever. I will always think of my baby—of how I dared to take its chance at life away, at how I took my chance for happiness and threw it down the drain. I know I can't go back in time, but if I could I would take it all back. I'd do anything to have my baby in my arms.

Age: 24
Location: Mexico City
Date: March 7, 2015