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December 1, 2014, is the day I took my first ever pregnancy test. I sat in the bathroom for five minutes hoping and praying to god that the results would be negative. When I found out I was pregnant, I cried with my boyfriend for hours. I wanted a baby so I could give him or her everything I couldn’t have, but now that I was finally pregnant, I didn’t know what to do anymore. My boyfriend and I have been dating for more than a year. After finding out about the pregnancy, we had to make a decision right then and there because if we waited a little more, my parents would have found out. I couldn’t tell my parents or anyone in my family because if I did they would disown me and send me back to my country forever. My mom is also very sensitive, so I also had the fear that she would have another stroke and die. My boyfriend and I are just getting everything sorted out in our lives so we can be settled in together. The only decision that fit was to have an abortion. At the moment, I really didn’t think about it that much. I just thought to get rid of it as soon as possible. When I came home, I started researching about the baby—how it looks and how much he grows each day. I became very attached to my baby. I even started eating and drinking healthy. As days went by, I started talking to my baby before going to sleep. I had to get a bypass from the judge to do get the abortion. After two weeks, we made an appointment on December 11, 2014. Even then I didn’t realize what I was doing until the ultrasound, the nurse told me what I might see in the ultrasound and that I might even see twins. The moment she said twins, I felt my heart fall to the ground. When I actually saw the ultrasound, I thought to myself, “That’s my baby on the screen, inside me, a part of my body and my soul.” I wanted to stop right there and then. I had to go back outside to wait for the procedure. I held my tears in front of my boyfriend, and then it was time. I didn’t know whether I was ready or not, but after going inside the room, I saw two nurses. It confused me. Why were there two nurses? Then the doctor came in, and they laid me down. I felt everything—two needles going inside me and the sound of a machine with blades. I started crying and screaming. I didn’t want them taking my baby away from me. After the procedure, I went home without saying a word—due to the pain. I laid down and cried my heart out. I didn’t know whether it was because of my baby or the pain. A week later, while still recovering, I had a dream of my baby in my arms—a perfect little child in my arms, and it was mine, all mine. There was nothing wrong with him. He was just perfect, eyes, lips, ears, teeth, everything was perfect. In my dream, I raised him with a couple of my friends. He was just like his father. He liked to take things apart, build things, loved music. Ever since that day, I regret every part of my decision. Whenever I’m out somewhere and I see a baby boy similar to what he looks like, I can’t stop my tears—no matter how hard I try. I hope he forgives me for what I have done to him, and pray to god that one day he comes back to me. and I get to give him the world and love he deserves to have.

Age: 17
Location: Fort Lauderdale, FL
Date: February 9, 2015