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Abortion is murder.

Hating someone in your heart is murder.

I am guilty of both.

While at a christian college in my very early 20’s I became pregnant by a boyfriend my family was none too happy I had. I knew I shouldn’t have been having sex. I didn’t even really love my boyfriend, even by the vague standards I had then. I was filling a void, temporarily meeting my needs on a very superficial level. I knew who jesus was, but I didn’t understand about sin separating me from god.

When I became pregnant, at 21, I knew I didn’t want to have a baby. My entire life had been filled with the lies my body was my own to do with what I wanted and conception didn’t mean the “fertilized egg” was an actual baby. I was raised with an attitude of a woman being able to do whatever she wanted and anything or anyone standing in my way was a negative easily pushed to the side. I chose to believe every one of them.. I had no value for life nor had I often been around children. I know I could blame my choice on deception, but I didn’t ask god what he wanted me to do, because I knew even then, with my little knowledge of god, he would call me to accept responsibility for my actions.

I chose murder.

I chose death.

I was wrong.

It’s difficult to think if I would have kept my baby I would have a 10 year old today. A daughter or son who would be a wonderful blessing, was instead sucked out of me, and my selfishness is the only excuse I can give. Because, the truth is, any woman who can admit to you she has had an abortion cannot offer you any unselfish excuse for her murder. She may not agree its murder, but she will confess her roots of selfishness.

I could go on about the horrors of the day I abandoned my child. I could give you the details of a woman who offered to keep my baby if I decided to carry the life to term. I could tell you how I left no choice to the man whose child I carried, who was devastated, to lose what he was sure was his son. I could tell you about the blood or the tears or the girl who started telling people at my christian school she “thought” i’d had an abortion. I could tell you how I hated children for a long time after my abortion. I could tell you how my life spiraled downhill deeper and deeper into sin after my life altering “choice.” I could tell you how I feared for years not being able to have children because everyone in my family had children young and then had serious women related health problems. I could tell you about the first time someone told me about wanting to have an abortion. I could tell you about the first time I shared the weight of my sin. I could tell you about the first time a friend hugged me after telling them what i’d done. She is to this day the only one who had immediately been sorry I had to go through the pain of the consequence of my sin. A true woman of god who knew the forgiveness of sin though hers wasn’t the same as mine. These are all parts I could share in great detail and the impact would be great, but the only thing of any great value I can share, is i’m forgiven. God washed me clean, and has given me new life, healing and the blessed grace of forgiveness through his salvation. He truly can forgive all things.

Today, as a mom of 4 almost 5 children, i’m overwhelmed with the concept being pro-life really does make youa better mom.  Showing your children the value of life inside the womb is crucial to their biblical worldview. Though my children are young and the concept of abortion may be too much for their young minds to grasp,  we do pray almost every night for the women who have babies in their bellies and aren’t happy about it, to choose life.

This testimony is also posted at: http://themomiwanttobe.com/

Age: 32
Location: California
Date: November 25, 2013