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26 London, Ontario, Canada My life has been deeply affected by the trauma of abortion. I honestly never wanted to have an abortion. I wanted my baby badly. But I was so scared that no one would help me. Taking care of a baby on my own would have been a big change. Everyone told me abortion was the best option. Feeling alone was the worst feeling ever. Now I am left with this hurt for the rest of my life. I feel regret and sadness. I wish I could go back and take my baby back. When I see other babies or children, it reminds me of what I could have had. Finding out someone is pregnant hits me the most. I feel my baby would have been a girl. I gave her the name Kacey Hope.

In early May 2010, I noticed I was gaining weight. I never wanted to believe I could be pregnant. On May 12, 2010, my life changed. I went to the Birth Control Clinic at the London-Middlesex Health Unit. I went for S.T.I Testing. During the testing, they did a pregnancy test. I was waiting in a room. The doctor walked in and paused before saying, "You are pregnant.” I was starting to cry and said, "Are you sure that can’t be wrong?” He said "No, you are at least 4 weeks pregnant.” I started crying a lot and said, "I want an abortion right now". They said I couldn't unless I went to Toronto. So they gave me a phone number to call. That night I couldn't even sleep. I was so devastated that I had a little baby growing inside of me.

On May 13, 2010, I called the Woman’s Health Clinic at Victoria Hospital to book an abortion. They said I had to wait until I was 8 weeks. They booked my ultrasound for June 4, 2010. During my wait, the morning sickness started. It was horrible. I was getting sick every day. I would go on the internet and look up week by week how big the baby got. I was very fascinated by it. There were times I really wanted to keep the baby. Fear took over though. The fear of giving birth, raising a baby, and adoption all scared me. I was so consumed in worry, and there was no one to help me raise this child. So I went forward with the easy way out—even though I really didn't want too.

On June 4, 2010, my friend picked me up from my place to take me to the ultrasound. I went in alone, I was in this alone. This lady put jelly on my belly and told me to just lay down. This was my first and only ultrasound. I asked, "Do you see it?" She said "Yes, do you want to see?" I agreed with some excitement. She turned the screen towards me, and I could make out everything. I saw the shape of the baby’s face and head. She pointed to a little circle moving and said, "Do you see that?" I said, "Yes.” She said, "That is the beating heart". I asked her how far along I was. She told me I was 8 weeks and 4 days. When I got home, I did a lot of thinking on way's I could possibly keep this baby. I came up with many, but fear would always make me think abortion was the best thing. I even prayed to God and asked him to help me think of something before it was too late. I continued to look up on the computer how big the baby was. The morning sickness continued daily until the pregnancy was terminated. Every night, I would touch my belly, to see if I could feel anything moving. I started to feel love for this child.

June 18, 2010 would be the last day this baby had life in me. It was the worst feeling in my whole life. I wanted something or someone to stop me. I felt so alone. My friend and I went to Victoria Hospital at 7 am. The appointment was at 7:30 am. When I got there, I was led into a room with a lot of people. They gave me a gown and slippers to put on. I was in bed for a half hour until they told me to take two white pills. Once you take these pills, you can't change your mind. Then they put an IV in my left hand. As I sat there with my friend, I noticed a lot of women—mostly young—walking in. They where all crying. I could tell why; they were in there for the same reason I was. I asked my friend, "How come I am not crying?" He told me it was because I was thinking more about myself instead of this little one inside of me. I didn't believe that though. I did care about this baby.

At 8:30 am, it was time for me to go to the operating room to have the abortion. They put some sleeping medicine in my IV, and I made the doctors laugh when I said I feel funny. They held a breathing mask to my face and within 10 seconds I fell asleep. I woke up in the recovery room. I was only asleep for a half hour. I was no longer pregnant. My little one is no longer growing inside of me.

Age: 26
Location: London, Ontario, Canada
Date: April 26, 2014