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• /abort73

Having spent all my life in and out the hospital, I never thought it was possible for me to get pregnant. But after having a surprise missed period, I took a test and it was positive. I was in total shock and thought to myself that I wouldn't be able to keep my baby. I was fresh out of college with my masters but had fallen on hard times—having to move out my condo by the following week and not knowing where I would end up. So I called the man who was the father of my child and told him. He was in shock as well and didn’t say much. So I asked him if he wanted another child. He already has 2 and isn’t allowed to see one. He said, “To be honest, I wasn't ready for the first one, and right now, I cannot take care of another child.” Being that he is 10 years older then me, he said I was too young to have a baby right now. So we agreed on abortion, but as the night went on, I begin to think about my baby and I wondered what it would become. After two days, I was having mixed feelings about wanting to keep my baby. I told the father, and he basically told me the same thing. He could not take care of another child, and I should enjoy being young. I wanted to cry, but instead I just said, “OK.”

The next week, I left the state to go and stay with family. Right before I left, I had unexpected car problems—which took all my money and a bit of my savings. I got a call from the father, who was kind of upset that I didn't tell him about leaving. I told him about the car problems and that I wouldn't be able to pay for the abortion. He said that he would get the money for it. The next day he sent me the money.

By this time I was just scared. I set up the first appointment for the abortion. I really didn't want to kill my baby, but at the same time I didn't want my child to suffer. I grew up without a father, and I didn't want a child of mine to go through such pain.  The night before the appointment, I cried all night long, cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I drove to the clinic. I almost cried in the parking lot. A couple walked up to me and asked if I was OK. Then they asked if they could pray for me. I said, “Yes.” I couldn't build up enough strength to go inside the clinic, so the couple told me where I could go to get free help—such as an ultrasound and consulting. I went to that place instead. The women there were very helpful. They first talked with me and asked what my plans were. I told them everything and how the father didn't want it. They did the ultrasound. I really didn't know how to feel seeing my baby. I thought, “Wow there is really a baby in there.” They also walked me through the process of getting a abortion done. After I left, I felt a little better about the whole thing. But I still had to make a decision. I talked with my best friend and grandma. They both asked what I was going to do. The only thing I thought of was that I didn’t want to bring my baby here to suffer, and I thought I couldn't be a mother. I kept thinking about everything I went through in life early on. I couldn't imagine having my baby go through the same.

It’s been 6 weeks since I had the abortion. I was 10 weeks, and my life has been hell ever since. I regretted the abortion before I got it done. I was awake through the procedure and cried while they did it and a little after.

I have been depressed—feeling guilt and regret. Every day, I think about my baby—wishing I could bring it back, knowing I can't. I've even been having dreams of my baby. In some of them, I'm holding my baby, and in some I'm still pregnant. I have been trying to move on, but it’s like it’s getting worse and worse. On some days, if feels like I can't carry on. Last night, I had a dream, and I woke up crying. Since I'm having dreams about my baby, it’s very hard for me to go to sleep and to stay asleep. I feel horrible for what I did, and I don't know how many times I can ask for forgiveness. I can't even forgive myself. if I could, I’d bring my baby back.

And Friday I have to go to the clinic for a check up. I hate to have to go back, but my body still feels weird.

How does anyone forgive themselves and carry on, after something like this? If anyone reading this is a believer of the most high, please pray for me. That I find it in my heart to forgive myself and find my way out of this darkness that I am experiencing. I know that I will never forget my baby and will always think about it, but I need help to carry on.

Age: 22
Location: Virginia
Date: January 9, 2014