Abortion Story: Albuquerque, NM
Submitted to Abort73 by a 26-year-old woman on November 20, 2013.
This has been weighing heavy on my heart for over seven years, and I have only shared this story with three friends and one family member. My hope in sharing it is to save a young woman from making the same mistake I did.
It was the summer before my sophomore year of college, and I had been dating an older guy for a little over two years. He was 24 and I was 19. I was attending Colorado Christian University and was only home in New Mexico for the summer. My relationship with my boyfriend, to say the least, was extremely unhealthy. We would stay in contact while I was in Colorado, but we usually only saw each other when I would move home for the summer.
I found out I was pregnant only a month before I was planning to head back to Colorado to start soccer training. My whole world was at a stand still. I didn't know what to do, what to think, or even what to say. I never thought this would be a choice I would make. Yes, I made the choice to have unprotected sex and yes, I do regret that choice. I told my boyfriend, and we both didn't know what to do. Neither of us thought right away about aborting the baby. But, at one point, he suggested abortion, but I was very much against it. Well, I thought I was. I want to add that I cannot and will never blame him for 'making' me abort the baby because he did not make me do it. For weeks I would go back and forth about what I believed and what would be the best option at the time.
These were my thoughts if I decided to have the baby: I would let my entire family down, I had a soccer scholarship to fulfill, I would not finish college, would I be alone raising a child? The list goes on.
These were my thoughts if I decided to not have the baby: I am going against all beliefs that I ever had about this issue, I would let God down, I would lose my self respect, I am killing an unborn baby. The list goes on.
It was approaching the time to go back to Colorado, and we still had not yet decided what we were going to do. I ended up moving back to Colorado and yes I was still pregnant. I think the reason I prolonged it was because deep down in my heart, I could not fathom aborting this baby. After about two weeks of being back in Colorado I made the decision to have the abortion—a choice that will forever haunt me. My boyfriend sent me a card with the money and I set up the appointment.
I was incredibly nervous the entire way to the appointment, during, and after. I remember there were protestors outside of the building with signs of explicit pictures of the unborn babies that took place after the procedure and my heart just dropped. I kept thinking to myself: I cannot do this, I am making a horrible decision, God is going to hate me. My friend dropped me off and I went into the office, still hearing the protestors chant. I will never forget the experience because it was a horrifying one.
The receptionist gladly collected my money, gave me some pain medication, and had me sit in the waiting room—to wait to kill an innocent unborn baby. I got called back into a room and remember it all happening so fast. The nurse came in first and proceeded to do an ultrasound. That was honestly the worst part. Thankfully, I did not see nor hear the baby, but my heart was still in my stomach. After that, two doctors came in. They both told me their names and by that time, I was already drowsy from the anesthesia, so it was all a blur. The next thing I know, the nurse is back in the room trying to 'wake' me up, to move me to another room. They placed me in a room full of big comfy chairs. I and three other girls/women sat there silent. I honestly felt the presence of God. He was there with us all; he knew that we all were hurting and in desperate need of Him.
I went back to my normal routine; playing soccer, attending school, hanging out with friends, etc. My life was not the same though—by any means. I don't know if God was punishing me for what I did, but only one short month later, I ended up tearing my ACL while playing soccer. Therefore, my soccer career for the year was over. That question I asked myself before hand about not fulfilling my soccer scholarship if I had the baby, yeah, it happened anyways.
My relationship with God went completely downhill after I made this choice. I think maybe that's why I regret my decision more than anything. I felt and still feel guilty. I knew that God forgave me for the choice I made, but I felt that because of the choice I made I wasn't worthy to have a personal relationship with God anymore. I know now that this isn't the truth, but I did feel this way for a long time. For years I had felt ashamed, heartbroken, and had felt a distance between God and myself because of the choice I made.
There has not been a day that has gone by where I do not think about the choice I made at a young age and how I could have made a better choice. The burden of this has been on my heart for seven years. I completely, 100% regret the choice I made that day. Yes, God forgives and renews us, and I praise Him for showing me this when I was in my darkest days. God can and will heal our hearts, even when we make horrible life changing mistakes. I cannot blame anyone but myself for the choice I made.
Where I am now: It's truly amazing how great God is. I am 26 years old and living back in my home state of New Mexico. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby boy. When I got pregnant over 7 months ago, multiple people told me to 'get rid' of the baby. I wish I would have told them my story and why that would never be a question in my mind again. I am thankful that I had the courage and opportunity to share my story, especially during this specific week. In New Mexico, yesterday was the official voting for the ban on aborting a fetus after 20 weeks. This topic stirred in my heart and also hit home. Yes, I am for the ban on aborting a fetus after 20 weeks, and I thank God that my heart has been changed completely. By the way, the ban was not passed, which saddens my heart. Did I ever think it was OK to abort a baby? No, I did not, but I made the choice to do it. Do I regret the choice I made? Yes, 100%.
Whomever is reading my story; what I want to leave you with is this: There are other options, and you are not alone! Find resources, do the research, and ultimately pray and let God help you through it—something I wish I would have done more. I will never judge anyone who has had an abortion because I have been there. I want to shed light and hope on this issue because I wish I would have never made the choice I made. People in my life or people I may not know will probably think differently of me after I share this, but I know my heart now and I know that God has forgiven me. I am extremely thankful that I have finally had the courage to share my story, so thank you.
I am now free from this burden. 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Date: November 20, 2013