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I'm not sure where to start. Maybe 11 years ago. My ex-husband and I were split up. He was a cheater, and he had asked me and my two children to leave. So we did. We were split up for at least 9 months. Right before Christmas that year, he came to me with stories of how he missed his family and wanted us back. I only went back because I actually felt sorry for this man. So we packed up the house I had made our home and moved back into the house we had once shared as a family. Right away, he started in on me that he wanted me to take a pregnancy test, saying he had a strange feeling I was pregnant. He cornered me in the bathroom one day with a test and I took it just to make him stop! I really thought he was just being silly.

Within two minutes, he started to clench up and shake with anger.  I was pregnant—with someone else's baby. I could not even believe it. He informed me right away, “Well, just get rid of it. I can not and will not be able to raise this child as my own, knowing it is not.” He also reassured me that this wasn't a baby yet. This was just a "clump of cells.”  I was in shock. I still didn't feel like it was real. He pulled the phone book out and looked up a doctor in Eugene. The very next day we took the 40 minute drive. Not a word was said. I remember it very clearly. It still didn't seem like I was pregnant. We sat in the office and waited. I remember looking around at the other women in the office waiting—wondering if it was the same surreal feeling for them as well.  It was fast. The doctor said I was only about 6-7 weeks along. I don't remember the ride home. I do remember trying to act like nothing had happened. He never mentioned it again, like it didn't happen.  Three months later, he ended the marriage once and for all with a 21-year-old cocktail waitress with three small children.  The divorce was nasty. The battle over the custody of our daughter was a nightmare.

So fast forward to now, I am remarried, and we have a three-year-old daughter. I'm not even sure how I came to this website. But I spent a good two hours watching videos and reading. I saw photos of aborted babies at 7 weeks. I saw fingers, toes, eyes, finger nails. I saw tiny bodies with the heads detached. Some with their mouths open. All these emotions have come rushing over me. Feelings I was never allowed to feel before. Today, I sat and cried for over three hours, watching my precious baby girl sleeping on the sofa. How could I have done that to a tiny human being?? How could I have never felt these emotions before?!? I felt like such a monster. Was this the reasoning behind all my suffering and all the awful things I had experienced the last decade? Was this my karma; is it what I had coming? For the first time, I had felt what I should have felt that day. I was (and am) so ashamed of what I have done. That poor child—what they must have felt. And that monster that caused it was no longer just my callous ex-husband, but now it was me.

I pray for forgiveness. My daughter began to wake, and the first thing she did when she saw my red face and tears was to kiss me and tell me, "love you mommy.”  That makes it better and makes it worse all at the same time. I was physically ill. What have I done? How could I have done that? I just went along like I had no choice. Such a fool. Now I am left with the feeling like it just happened. That child would have been 10.

Boy or girl? I'll never know. But I will always remember the feelings I have experienced this morning. I am glad I have had this awakening.

Age: 35
Location: Oregon
Date: November 13, 2013