• Videos / 
• Gear / 
• Blog / 
• Podcast / 
• Substack

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• /abort73

I knew better. I was raised in a Christian home, was taught abortion was atrocious and at a young age, I knew it was. I was with someone I knew I had no intention of being with longer than the summer. I found out I was pregnant at 19 years old. Me? I couldn't possibly have his baby! I didn't love him. I still lived at home and was moving in three weeks; my parents were going to kill me! I went out with friends the night I found out, and tried to drink the positive test right out of me. The next morning, it felt like a dream, but I was still pregnant. I told him I had no intention of having his baby. I made my decision that day. I had to "take care of it." I had a friend make the appointment because I couldn't even say the words. I had three long weeks before my appointment, and I cried every day until the morning of. My stomach was in knots and my heart was pounding the entire 45 minute drive to the clinic. In the room, there was a nurse who performed an ultrasound on me. I asked her what the baby looks like at 7 weeks, she specifically said "If I were to show you the picture, you would change your mind, and I'm not allowed to." I remember waking up after the procedure and being completely and utterly devastated. I screamed and cried "what did I do!?" It was done. I was discharged in to the care of my friend and the entire drive home I cried. I didn't want to leave my room for days. I hid under the covers, disgusted with myself. That disgust lingered with me for years.

I was in and out of several relationships after that. Three years later, it happened, again. I was with someone I knew I shouldn't be with, and I was pregnant. I had another abortion. This time I was awake during the whole thing. My headphones were in my ears and I stared at the ceiling, and cried. How could I do this again? I was a horrible, irresponsible, selfish girl.

Shortly thereafter, I reconnected with a man I dated a couple years back. We dated, and I told him everything. I was a disaster; once again I tried to drink away the pain of living with what I had done. I drank as often as I could, because the more I drank the less it hurt. I would rage at him any chance I got, just to relieve the pent up aggression I had towards myself. I begged God for forgiveness, over and over again. If God forgives, why was there no relief from this hell I was experiencing? God forgave me, He had forgiven me the first time I repented. I didn't forgive me.

The man I dated is now my husband, and we have two beautiful children together. In March, I gave my life to Christ. He has been my rock in my healing process. I don't need alcohol to take my pain away, I need Him, and only Him. I believe the choices I made happened so that I may speak out against abortion. I will soon be joining an abortion ministry so that I may help in any way that I can, save a child's life.

Age: 28
Location: San Diego, CA
Date: July 29, 2013