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• /abort73

When I turned 18, I met a guy who I thought loved God. He often preached in our church and played the keyboard in the worship band. We were together for almost three years and to this day, I still cannot believe how blind I was to this wolf in sheep's clothing. We prayed together, read the Bible together and remained sexually pure almost the entire time we were together. The change in him was so sudden, it was like flipping a light switch. One day, things were perfect. He had even asked me to marry him and I said yes. The very next day, things turned into a nightmare. He started the whole "if you love me, you'll do this" thing. He begged me for 3 months to just give it up and have sex with him. He started filling my head with the lie that if he couldn't have me, no one else could or would even want me. He became controlling and verbally abusive. He never hit me or was forceful with me but the more and more he spit nasty, hurtful words at me, the more I started to believe him. After 6 months of his pleading me to have sex with him, one night I finally just caved. I was so emotionally and spiritually beat down and weak that I just quit fighting it. It wasn't some nice, love-filled experience in a hotel room on the beach after my dream wedding, like I had always hoped. It was dirty and the most love-absent experience I ever went through. I didn't get to lose my virginity to a man of God after a Holy Spirit filled wedding. Instead, I believed the lie that no one else would want me and I gave it up behind a run down grocery store building in the bed of a Chevy Silverado. We had sex a lot of times after that simply because I didn't want to be alone. After 3 or 4 months of this, I became pregnant. I told him and he was FURIOUS. He said it was all my fault, and that I did this to him on purpose to ruin his nice little image. He called the clinic and made an appointment for me. A week after finding out I was pregnant, I had an abortion. I was filled with regret and shame from the moment I got out of his truck and set foot on the pavement to go inside. He didn't even go in with me! That was 5 years ago now and I still haven't forgiven myself. I don't know if I ever will. I killed a dream of the Lord, I put an end to it because I believed a lie. I know that Jesus forgives as long as we ask but I'm just not so sure He can forgive me for that. I am now 26 years old and I'm happily engaged to be married to a true man of God. He has no idea about this area of my life and I would be so ashamed if he ever knew. I don't know how to forgive myself and I don't know how to accept God's forgiveness. I often dream about the baby I let be murdered... I know God is taking much better care of my sweet baby than I ever could have. I just hope He forgives me and knows how sorry I am.

Age: 26
Location: Johnson City, TN
Date: April 9, 2012