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Then it hit me smack in the face; I killed my baby and slept all night with my dead baby inside me...

Abortion Story: Fayetteville, North Carolina

Submitted to Abort73 by a 29-year-old woman on May 10, 2017.

I'm 29, and I have two beautiful boys. The youngest turned one on April 11, and the oldest just turned four on May 5th. I am very against abortion, but my youngest has a genetic disease called Pompe Disease which is a muscle disease that he inherited through both myself and my husband. There is no cure for this disease, and he will be disabled for the rest of his life. 

I found out we were pregnant again in February, but the thought of having another child with what we just went through with our youngest, and almost losing him in the hospital at Duke, scared us. So we both decided not to have another child. North Carolina does not do abortions past 20 weeks, and I didn't even know how far along I was. So on April 15, 2017, I went to the ER to get an ultrasound done. It said I was 24 weeks, 1 day. I ended up finding funds through NAF, Carolina Abortion Fund, and NYASS—which is out of New York. I went to New York because they do abortions all the way up to 27 weeks. It was the scariest feeling in the world as I had to rush and get on a Greyhound on my birthday, which was April 24, and travel by myself.

As I’m traveling, all I have time for is to think and cry and think some more, asking myself: Am I really doing this? Am I really going to end my child’s life before it can even start? What if what I’m doing is not the right decision? We don’t even know if it has the disease; it could be a healthy baby. I got to Manhattan around 6am on the 25th, and a volunteer took me where I needed to go. Now mind you, the cost for the abortion is $6,000, because of how far along I was. All I had on me was $500, plus extra to get me home. \

I was nervous when I went in and was not alone. There were over 40 women and teenage girls there. Some were farther along then I was. That made me even more scared, especially seeing others cry about it, wondering if they were making the right decision or not. And here I am being able to feel my baby kick within me. I broke down, so I went in and they put Laminaria in my vagina to help me dilate, and a shot in the stomach to stop growth of the fetus. Then I left and went and stayed with a volunteer from a shelter organization. I was in so much pain it was horrible. 

The next day I went back to the clinic to finish getting the abortion. They did another ultrasound. The baby was no longer alive. Then it hit me smack in the face; I killed my baby and slept all night with my dead baby inside me. My unborn, whom I was supposed to love and protect, I had failed. It was such a horrible experience for me. Then to find out they cut my baby into pieces to get it out of me hurts even worse, and then sent it to a laboratory for testing in New Jersey. My baby doesn't have a name. I didn't know the sex of the baby, and I'll never hear his or her voice talking to me or growing up in front of my face for the rest of my life. It could have been the daughter I had been wanting, but I'll never know. All I know is I did wrong and was forced into to it—threatened. If I didn't get it done, my husband would take my son and leave me. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to keep my son and my family. How can I go on like this? I don't deserve to live. My child didn't deserve to have its life taken away like that so quickly. I wish I had someone to tell me, “no, it's not like that. I got you; I will help you.” But I didn’t. No family, no friends, no one except my husband. 

Please don't have an abortion. You'll regret it like me. I will never live this down. It will haunt and taunt me for the rest of my life. I cry every day; I am miserable and depressed every day. I have a piece of me missing that I will never get back—a hole inside of my soul. A part of me left when my baby was destroyed by me. I woke up after it was done screaming and crying asking for my baby back, but it was already too late. To make it worse when I saw the ultrasound, the baby looked right at me like, “mommy, what are you doing? Why mommy?” I will never forgive myself or my husband. I am about to leave him because my sons don't need that kind of person in their lives. So please think first real hard about having an abortion before getting it done. A child is a blessing, not a mistake, and no matter what you’re going through, you can get help. I promise you won't regret that decision ever.

Age: 29
Location: Fayetteville, North Carolina
Date: May 10, 2017

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