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I constantly find my myself Googling pictures of what the fetus would look like had I kept it. I selfishly gave up my child to the lord three months ago. I was/am a diehard Republican. The thought of people wanting the "right" to kill their own child sickened me. It still does. I can't even live with myself. My soul wants to leave my physical body and go be with my angel baby. But the truth of the matter is, I won't ever get to Heaven to see my baby. This is the dirtiest sin. I would give absolutely anything to go back and walk out of that clinic the second I saw the ultrasound. The emotions are intense and the situation is scary. I was horrified.

Getting pregnant by my ex-boyfriend who had treated me badly for so long put me in a confusing spot. He was a month away from moving back to the country where he was born, and there it was. The word "Pregnant" on the test hit me like a gun shot. I panicked. I was WEAK and selfish. The devil is indeed always in the world around us, just like God is too. I was not thinking clearly or like myself. I only knew I was pregnant for a week before I did what I did. I knew of the post abortion regret. I read about it over and over, preparing myself for misery. But online blogs, not even this one, can truly express in words the pain you feel the second you walk out those doors. I walked in there with one soul, and left with none. I have never been the same since that day. I refused to accept the fact that I loved being pregnant. I loved that apple seed with everything inside of me. Don't do it. The father of my child left the country and never spoke a word to me again. Not because he was mad at me, but because he took my pain and misery and turned it into a compliment to him. Telling me "this was only sex,” like I hadn't already known that.

Regardless of the situation with the daddy, do NOT ever go through with this because of what the father wants. That man will not matter to you in a few years if that's how he is. But for the rest of my life, I have this uninvited attachment to the man who did this to me. I hate him with every fiber of my being but am tortured by the remembrance of him day after day. You can do it. You are reading this because you are questioning, and if you aren't sure, DO NOT DO IT. Nine months. You can handle nine months. But I promise what you can't handle is dealing with the regret and pain that follows you for the rest of your life. Blatantly, if there was an easy way to die, I’d get a ticket. Obviously, because I am selfish. I am constantly reminded of how terrible I am when my Catholic/Republican family calls women who abort murderers or the other day when my dad told me that one day when I get pregnant, I will be so happy. I'd be 15 weeks today. Like I have clearly stated, I’d throw away my entire life to be where I am supposed to be. I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody—not even the man who abandoned me and left me here to deal with this Hell alone.

Age: 21
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Date: March 15, 2017