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I was supposed to be your mother, not your killer. I'm so sorry I didn't protect you...

Abortion Story: Columbus, Ohio

Submitted to Abort73 by a 26-year-old woman on March 9, 2016.

I had an abortion almost a week ago. The day following the procedure I attempted suicide. I was hospitalized and am now starting counseling to help me cope. No one deserves to feel like this, and no one’s unborn child deserves to not get a chance at life. I called a crisis number after I was discharged from the hospital. The woman I spoke to helped tremendously. One tip she gave me was to start a journal. It really does and did help. What I'm about to write is somewhat paraphrased from my first entry. It started out with my feelings then kind of turned into me writing to my baby, if that makes any sense.

My intention in this submission is not to necessarily share my story, so much as the internal aftermath of having an abortion. Hopefully some girl or woman reads this, and I may sway them away from abortion. Some of the words I use may offend some, but as I said, this is an edited entry of my journal. Here it is: On March 3rd, I killed my baby. Regret can’t even describe how I feel. I never even got to feel him kick or move because of this selfish and disgusting decision. He will never get to see the light of day. He only knew the inside of my body and the forceps and suction that ended his short life on earth. I wish I could take it back. He did not deserve this. I took his life; why should I deserve to live? He wasn't even given a chance.

I hate myself. I'll never know what he would've looked like or had the chance to hold him. I murdered my poor innocent baby. I'll never forgive myself, nor do I deserve to be forgiven. I didn't even name him yet until the other night when I couldn't sleep and my mind was racing. Noah David. Noah means rest and comfort. David means beloved. I hope where ever he's at that he's at rest and comfortable. I hope he knows that I love him with every ounce of my being. I should've loved him more while I had him. I'm so sorry. Sorry won't bring him back. I didn't think I was capable of this cruelty. I'm slowly accepting this mistake I've made. I can't move on. I was supposed to be your mother, not your killer. I'm so sorry I didn't protect you. I will love and think of you every single day until the day that I die. I feel guilty for even trying to seek happiness again.

My journal entry is much longer, but that's the tone of it. In a nutshell this pain, grief, depression—there are not words for them. I will miss and love my unborn baby boy forever, and the guilt will never go away. I believe it may lessen but will still be there. Please, if anyone is reading this and considering abortion, you DO have other options. I know everyone is in a different situation, but please, I beg of you, do not have an abortion. I have friends who have also gone through this, and they've dealt with it better than I have, but I PROMISE you, if it doesn't hit you now, it will one day. For the record, I'm an atheist. This is still a life in your body. Whether you realize it now or later on in life, if you go through with this decision as I did, it will haunt you. Truly evaluate your options. I know everyone has different circumstances, but this is NOT the answer.

Age: 26
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Date: March 9, 2016

Search by related keyword: Suicide / Crisis / Regret / Sorry / Guilt

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