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Abortion Story: Oklahoma

Submitted to Abort73 by a 35-year-old woman on April 21, 2011.

I had an abortion on January 28, 2011. I am 35. It was my first pregnancy, I had the abortion at 9 weeks, and it now would have been 21 weeks. Now I find the relationship dissolving. The same relationship I had hoped to keep if I had the abortion. He threatened to leave, and I froze at the prospect of raising a baby alone, being pregnant & single and having to explain that my boyfriend left me, dealing with my stressful career, and also burdening my parents with day care and asking for a lot of help. I have always considered myself fiercely independent but somehow I couldn't muster the courage to consider raising a baby alone or losing a man I thought I loved so much. I am quite sure my parents would have gladly helped with the child and supported me having a baby alone but still at age 35, I felt like an unmarried failure. In this day and age, too. I also feel I can never reveal to my parents or sister about the abortion as they are staunch Catholic pro-lifers. I cried a lot but finally decided to go through with it. My boyfriend insisted I pay half and that I arrange the appointment. Now I understand that he did that to make it seem as if he wasn't 'pressuring' me into it. When I was indecisive, I took a folic acid tablet. But then once he laid his cards on the table and I decided to have the abortion, I even drank alcohol a couple of times, seemingly to solidify in my mind that I was going to go through with it. He never talked about the abortion even after I told him I made the decision to have it. As a side note, he's dealt with several abortions in his lifetime with previous girlfriends and said he didn't feel any regret, only relief, and that the women didn't suffer physically or emotionally afterwards (at least not that he knew of). It seemed like it was just "easy" for him. He'd also gotten a girl pregnant while in his teenage years, the child was given up for adoption, and the girl went on to commit suicide a year later. So, needless to say, he had a significant past of abortion. I, on the other hand, had used the morning after pill once in college and once early in my relationship with him, and that was about the extent of my pregnancy worries. At any rate, he went with me to the clinic. There were picketers out front with gory posters and a clinic worker was there to escort you in. My boyfriend seemed more worried about avoiding the picketers than he was worried about me, but I commented that picketers are the price you pay for killing your baby. He stayed at the clinic for the majority of the 5 hour ordeal (not the whole time). At the clinic I felt completely stoic and comfortable with my decision. The procedure itself only took about 30 minutes, it just takes forever to get all the girls through, bloodwork, counseling, etc. I was comforted by the fact that some of the girls looked as "old" as me. The bloodwork nearly made me faint, I could hear the suction machine in the room next door before they came in for my procedure (disturbing), and I saw the doctor for a total of 15 seconds when he said "sign this paper, it's the law." But the surgical procedure was quick, I was "put under," the nurses were kind, and I bled hardly at all. Afterwards my boyfriend was kind and helpful. But by Valentine's Day, I was filled with grief at "what could have been." I started feeling pangs of remorse, regret, deep sadness and anger that I lost something that could've been so special, and that I may never have another chance to have. My boyfriend dismissed my feelings, told me to get therapy and said he doesn't see it the same way and never wants children. I have yet to decide whether or not I want children but ultimately I cannot take back my choice. It gives me comfort in a way to know I don't have a child that binds me to this man for life but I think that's just an excuse to make myself feel better. I still consider myself pro-choice, before and even after the abortion. I wouldn't want to take that right away from anyone. I think eventually these feelings too shall pass. I just wish I had been more compassionate, and able to see the bigger picture. I wish I hadn't pinned hopes on a relationship that was probably doomed anyway. Since the abortion, my boyfriend completely withdrew emotionally, at times was very mean to me and would not or could not have sex. Now it's over. Whether or not this relationship path was going to happen anyway, I can't say, but the abortion certainly didn't "help" me keep the relationship. So now I sit here crying again. I have not had a period in the 3 months since the abortion, have been on the pill but haven't had sex, and am hoping something is not wrong now should I want to have children in the future. I also wonder... no period, could I still be pregnant? I'm not, I know that. My heart ached a little when I went back to the clinic for my 2 week follow-up and the nurse said: "all clear." Oddly enough, part of me hoped that little fetus had clung in there. And to top it all off, I was adopted as a baby. My birthmother found me on facebook last year. I have shared a limited number of messages with her, all before even finding out I was pregnant. She doesn't know about the abortion, which all happened months after she first contacted me. And still, I was selfish enough to go through with it. She gave me up at 22 and was strong enough to go through the pregnancy and give me up and still thinks about me. I really believed I was so pro-choice that this would be a breeze. I convinced myself it would all work out in the end. I didn't think all of these feelings would crop up. Every day I think about my decision in some way. Some days I'm strong and push my thoughts away. Other days, like today, are sad.... knowing I must move forward without that man, without that baby, and live with my decision, is so very hard. That's my story. I believe in the end you must make the choice that's right for you. I'm still trying to decide if mine was right for me.

Age: 35
Location: Oklahoma
Date: April 21, 2011

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