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I was around 20 years old. For my entire life I had been told not to have children, because it would ruin both of our lives. When I say my family is poor, I'm talking Appalachian poor from the mountains of West Virginia. I fell pregnant with my boyfriend (now husband), and believed any chance of getting out of generational poverty was forever gone. 

I told very few people I was pregnant. A conversation with a friend is what made my decision to have the abortion. I was scared, and I had no idea how to support a child. I could barely support myself. We live in a childcare desert, with no opportunities short of moving away. But you need money to move away.

So, I booked an appointment at a clinic that is now shut down. I was 11 weeks by the time they could schedule me. It was completely paid for. We drove to the clinic, almost three hours from us, and went inside. No protestors. Nobody throwing stuff. It was raining, cold. The door into the building was several inches thick. Metal. 

I signed in, walked inside and remained calm. I believed without a doubt in my mind, that this was just a procedure. It was cold. 

But when I heard the ultrasound, I realized that maybe, maybe I was wrong. But at the time I was so young, so agreeable, so determined to believe everything I read was right. For my situation, it was what was expected of me. By making this sacrifice I was preventing a life of pain and suffering, a life not worth living. 

I never met the doctor, and I shrugged off the feelings of regret creeping in. I numbed my emotions, and just told myself this is how it has to be. The nurses took me to the operating room, where I was put under some type of anesthesia. My heartbeat wasn't racing yet, I just told myself to breathe. In, and out. In and out. The doctor came in after they prepared my lower body for the procedure. 

The mask. I'll never forget the mask he wore. I wondered who he was, and I felt the pressure. So much pressure. My heart began to race, and my thoughts were clouded. And then it was over. They put me in a room alone, and I ended up just walking out because I wanted to be with my boyfriend at the time. I wanted to be consoled, but that didn't happen. And I shouldn't have expected it to, but it wasn't just me who made the decision. We had spoken about this, but I think he was also too young to really speak his mind. 

I have no idea what type of procedure was performed, because I refused to ask. Never even looked at the paperwork. All I know is that a stranger walked in, and took care of the "problem." What we forget is how agreeable, and willing to please women are at this age. The people who knew I had an abortion stopped speaking to me. My own family disowned me, for a time. My boyfriend disappeared when we got home. I was all alone in this decision, and nobody, not one person, was there for it. 

Therapy was offered at the clinic, but there was no way I could drive another three hours for appointments. So I shoved it deep, deep, down. And it affected me for many, many years. To this day I still hold guilt for my decision, even though exactly one year layer I got pregnant again. This time I decided to go through with the pregnancy, and I will never regret that decision. No matter how hard it has been, we made it through and she has become my reason to live. 

The decision to have an abortion changed me forever, and I hope that somebody out there thinks twice before going through with it. No matter how young you are, life does not end because you have a child. It's only beginning, and I wish I had been told that when I was younger. The joy children bring to your life is not comparable to anything you can imagine. 

Age: 28
Location: Keyser, WV
Date: September 1, 2023