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Abortion Story: London

Submitted to Abort73 by a 38-year-old woman on October 30, 2010.

I had an abortion 3 months ago and the level of depression I feel over my decision is all-consuming. At 38, childless and from a large family, I have dreamed about having a child for many years. After almost 2 years of being together, my partner and I split up, got back together again a few weeks later and, soon after, I discovered I was pregnant. Coming from a traditional background, even at 38, I was scared at what the reaction of friends and family would be, given that I had asked my boyfriend to move out when we split up...but my overriding reaction was pure elation. I knew my partner would need some persuading that keeping the baby was the best decision but I never anticipated the level of hostility I received when I told him the news. He persuaded me that now was not the time, that I would be ruining his life, that he had travel plans, that we would have a child next year and that, although he wanted to live the rest of his life with me, now was not the time for children. I was shocked at how he felt and, under duress, agreed to have an abortion. My overriding feeling was that, if I was to go though with this at all, it had to happen before my baby was registered as having a heart beat...while it still was a bundle of developing cells. So I stupidly put my partner and what I thought would be my future before my baby. Not thinking clearly, I didn't realize that he couldn't have spelled out more clearly how little he respected me or my baby. And now I have spent every day regretting the decision, feeling such a deep sadness that I've never experienced before, particularly as I felt that God had finally answered my prayers and given me the most precious gift that I had been praying for for years, only for me to literally throw it away down the toilet. And, as so many others have experienced, of course my relationship is in ruins and has been unveiled for the sham it really is. I have tried to overdose twice because of the overwhelming feeling of guilt that swamps me. The guilt comes mainly from the fact that I know I should have been stronger. I could have gone ahead and had my baby, regardless of my boyfriend's negative reaction. I don't have the excuses of youth or financial instability. Just confusion and too much misplaced love for my partner. But ultimately it was me who inserted the pills that made me abort. And it's this that I can't cope with. Ironically, I came on the web to find a solution to try a third time to overdose, this time successfully, and somehow came across your website. It's the best therapy I could have received. I realize I need to hear from/ speak to others who have gone through the same experience as me. Like others, pregnancies seem to be all around me. My sister gave birth a couple of weeks after I aborted, my two bosses are pregnant and both will give birth a month earlier than my baby would have been due, my boyfriend's sister-in-law is due to give birth this week. And it all feels like punishment. To those women who are in a difficult place, for example were raped and are pregnant, make an informed choice about what route to take. Even after everything I've written, abortion might be the right choice for some of you. However, I don't think it's the right choice for the majority. So many of us aren't counseled before making such an enormous decision and, like me, are too ashamed to speak to anyone before the event and even more ashamed after it. So we find ourselves in limbo and find it difficult to put one foot in front of the other. I hope I will be forgiven and, one day, I hope I can forgive myself.

Age: 38
Location: London
Date: October 30, 2010

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