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I cry all day. I hate myself. I thought my life with a child would be hard, but there is nothing as painful and hard as this...

Abortion Story: UK

Submitted to Abort73 by a 30-year-old woman on June 29, 2015.

I was so happy to discover I was pregnant. I immediately changed my diet. I stopped all medication—even though it meant I would be in pain—and I removed anything from my life that would pose a risk to my baby. I made video blogs for my baby. I took pictures of my growing bump. I played music—even though my baby couldn't hear it yet. My word, how I loved my baby! The weeks that followed were hideous. I was signed off work with all day sickness. I stayed in bed for weeks. I barely moved. I became severely depressed. I started to realise how hard my life would be with a child. I was terrified. Child care alone is around £900 per month. I was scared. My ex (the father) told me he wanted me to have an abortion. Then he changed his mind. Then he changed it back again. This went on for weeks. He verbally abused me. He called me names. At one point, I wrote a suicide note believing my baby and I would be better off if we were both no longer here. I cancelled two appointments at the abortion clinic. I went for one consultation on 6th June 2015 but left adamant I wouldn't have an abortion. I am not laying the blame on this person—although I am making an official written complaint. The midwife I saw on 9th June 2015 disclosed personal information about her life which involved telling me my life would be ruined, she wishes she had an abortion, and so on. I was at a low point, and she told me those things which scared me so much. On 19th June 2015, I had an abortion. I am pro-life. I loved my baby. I don't know what happened, but I went with the one decision I was totally against. It is now 29th June 2015. I am on two different types of psychiatric medication now due to the state I am in. I am under the local crisis team who have to visit twice per day. I am a mess. I've not returned to work. I cannot live with myself. I regret my decision so much. I don't know why I went with the one decision I would never ever even consider, but I did. Why? I want my baby back. I feel so low. Every day is a battle. I don't feel anything anymore. I've made the biggest mistake of my life. If anyone reads this then please know that I went from working full-time to having to have a 24 hour carer (my mum) who has to sleep in my bed at night because I am a mess. I keep dreaming about a beautiful baby girl. I cry all day. I hate myself. I thought my life with a child would be hard, but there is nothing as painful and hard as this. I am living in my own hell. If you have even the smallest of doubts, please don't do it. I wanted my baby. I even took my pregnancy vitamins up until the abortion. Why would I do that if I wanted my baby to be taken from me? I will never know why I did it. I just don't know. I am in such pain. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Age: 30
Location: UK
Date: June 29, 2015

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